Tachycardia Day -16

Another word is terror. Like drop dead any minute terror.

My heart missed beats; stopped every now and again and sped up without warning.

I awoke bathed in sweat. Adrenaline pumping; I sought out the edge of the bed, my arms feeling like dead weight, my legs shaking so hard my ankles refused to work.

My head feels like there are earwigs gnawing behind my left eye and I am seeing the shadow people running amuck in the corners of the room.

I think Death has come for me. That cruel mistress had to awaken me rather than stealing her last kiss while i am still dreaming like a proper lady.

I meander slowly down the six steps to my kitchen. Frantically I search for my daughters vitamins and pop a beer. I read somewhere that thiamin and potassium can help an ailing heart. I'm out of aspirin so I'm thinking beer=blood thinner. I look up heart attack on my oh-so-smart phone and pop my second beer.

My ring and pinky fingers are numb while I search frantically for the reasons I am surely going to die.

After some five count deep breathing, I begin to feel better.

My legs stop shaking. The crushing chest pains stop, I can breathe, my panic is subsiding...I open another beer. Relaxed, I return to bed, worried, but, okay.

This was the first night I felt something was horribly wrong.




-Adree Does Eat

Diagnosis B

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)
Definition:
Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) - Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a psychological injury that results from prolonged exposure to social or interpersonal trauma, disempowerment, captivity or entrapment, with lack or loss of a viable escape route for the victim.
C-PTSD Introduction
C-PTSD What It Feels Like
Differences between C-PTSD & PTSD
C-PTSD Characteristics
C-PTSD Causes
C-PTSD Treatment
C-PTSD Support Groups
C-PTSD Introduction
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of:
domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse
childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse
entrapment or kidnapping.
slavery or enforced labor.
long term imprisonment and torture
repeated violations of personal boundaries.
long-term objectification.
exposure to gaslighting & false accusations
long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull, splitting or alternating raging & hoovering behaviors.
long-term taking care of mentally ill or chronically sick family members.
long term exposure to crisis conditions.
When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. This is because they know how bad things can possibly be. And they know that it could possibly happen again. And they know that if it ever does happen again, it might be worse than before.
The degree of C-PTSD trauma cannot be defined purely in terms of the trauma that a person has experienced. It is important to understand that each person is different and has a different tolerance level to trauma. Therefore, what one person may be able to shake off, another person may not. Therefore more or less exposure to trauma does not necessarily make the C-PTSD any more or less severe.
C-PTSD sufferers may "stuff" or suppress their emotional reaction to traumatic events without resolution either because they believe each event by itself doesn't seem like such a big deal or because they see no satisfactory resolution opportunity available to them. This suppression of "emotional baggage" can continue for a long time either until a "last straw" event occurs, or a safer emotional environment emerges and the damn begins to break.
The "Complex" in Complex Post Traumatic Disorder describes how one layer after another of trauma can interact with one another. Sometimes, it is mistakenly assumed that the most recent traumatic event in a person's life is the one that brought them to their knees. However, just addressing that single most-recent event may possibly be an invalidating experience for the C-PTSD sufferer. Therefore, it is important to recognize that those who suffer from C-PTSD may be experiencing feelings from all their traumatic exposure, even as they try to address the most recent traumatic event.
This is what differentiates C-PTSD from the classic PTSD diagnosis - which typically describes an emotional response to a single or to a discrete number of traumatic events.
Difference between C-PTSD & PTSD
Although similar, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) differs slightly from the more commonly understood & diagnosed condition Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in causes and symptoms.
C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress from which there is little chance of escape. PTSD can result from single events, or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma.
Therefore a soldier returning from intense battle may be likely to show PTSD symptoms, but a kidnapped prisoner of war who was held for several years may show additional symptoms of C-PTSD.
Similarly, a child who witnesses a friend's death in an accident may exhibit some symptoms of PTSD but a child who grows up in an abusive home may exhibit the additional C-PTSD characteristics shown below:
C-PTSD - What it Feels Like:
People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel un-centered and shaky, as if they are likely to have an embarrassing emotional breakdown or burst into tears at any moment. They may feel unloved - or that nothing they can accomplish is ever going to be "good enough" for others.
People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel compelled to get away from others and be by themselves, so that no-one will witness what may come next. They may feel afraid to form close friendships to prevent possible loss should another catastrophe strike.
People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel that everything is just about to go "out the window" and that they will not be able to handle even the simplest task. They may be too distracted by what is going on at home to focus on being successful at school or in the workplace.
C-PTSD Characteristics
How it can manifest in the victim(s) over time:
Rage turned inward: Eating disorders. Depression. Substance Abuse / Alcoholism. Truancy. Dropping out. Promiscuity. Co-dependence. Doormat syndrome (choosing poor partners, trying to please someone who can never be pleased, trying to resolve the primal relationship)
Rage turned outward: Theft. Destruction of property. Violence. Becoming a control freak.
Other: Learned hyper vigilance. Clouded perception or blinders about others (especially romantic partners) Seeks positions of power and / or control: choosing occupations or recreational outlets which may put oneself in physical danger. Or choosing to become a "fixer" - Therapist, Mediator, etc.
Avoidance - Avoidance is the practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.
Blaming - Blaming is the practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.
Catastrophizing - Catastrophizing is the habit of automatically assuming a "worst case scenario" and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.
"Control-Me" Syndrome - "Control-Me" Syndrome describes a tendency that some abuse victims and some people who suffer from personality disorders have to nurture relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or "acting-out" nature.
Denial (PD) - Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen.
Dependency - Dependency is an inappropriate and chronic reliance by one adult individual on another for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well- being.
Depression (Non-PD) -Depression is when you feel sadder than your circumstances dictate, for longer than your circumstances last - but still can't seem to break out of it.
Escape To Fantasy - Escape to Fantasy is sometimes practiced by people who routinely shun transparency with others and present a facade to friends, partners and family members. Their true identity and feelings are commonly expressed privately in an alternate fantasy world.
Fear of Abandonment - Fear of abandonment and irrational jealousy is a phobia, sometimes exhibited by people with personality disorders, that they are in imminent danger of being rejected, discarded or replaced at the whim of a person who is close to them.
Hyper Vigilance - Hyper Vigilance is the practice of maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts and interests of others.
Identity Disturbance - Identity disturbance is a psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view.
Learned Helplessness- Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe they have no control over a situation, even when they actually do have the power to change their circumstances, leading them into an unneccessary state of depression, where initiative, action or investment is deemed futile.
Low Self-Esteem - Low Self-Esteem is a common name for a negatively-distorted self-view which is inconsistent with reality. People who have low self-esteem often see themselves as unworthy of being successful in personal and professional settings and in social relationships. They may view their successes and their strenghts in a negative light and believe that others see them in the same way. As a result, they may develop an avoidance strategy to protect themselves from criticism.
Panic Attacks - Panic Attacks are short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms.
Perfectionism - Perfectionism is the practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unsustainable or unattainable standard of organization, order or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in others.
Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia is the use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.
Self-Loathing - Self Loathing is an extreme self-hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.
Tunnel Vision - Tunnel Vision is the habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.
C-PTSD Causes
C-PTSD is caused by a prolonged or sustained exposure to emotional trauma or abuse from which no short-term means of escape is available or apparent to the victim.
The precise neurological damage that exists in C-PTSD victims is not well understood.
C-PTSD Treatment
Little has been done in clinical studies of treatment of C-PTSD. However, in general the following is recommended:
Removal of and protection from the source of the trauma and/or abuse.
Acknowledgement of the trauma as real, important and undeserved.
Acknowledge that the trauma came from something that was stronger than the victim and therefore could not be avoided.
Acknowledgement of the "complex" nature of C-PTSD - that responses to earlier traumas may have led to decisions that brought on additional, undeserved trauma.
Acknowledgement that recovery from the trauma is not trivial and will require significant time and effort.
Separation of residual problems into those that the victim can resolve (such as personal improvement goals) and those that the victim cannot resolve (such as the behavior of a disordered family member)
Mourning for what has been lost and cannot be recovered.
Identification of what has been lost and can be recovered.
Program of recovery with focus on what can be improved in an individuals life that is under their own control.
Placement in a supportive environment where the victim can discover they are not alone and can receive validation for their successes and support through their struggles.
As necessary, personal therapy to promote self discovery.
As required, prescription of antidepressant medications.
What to do about C-PTSD if you've got it:
Remove yourself from the primary or situation or secondary situations stemming from the primary abuse. Seek therapy. Talk about it. Write about it. Meditation. Medication if needed. Physical Exercise. Rewrite the script of your life.
What not to do about it:
Stay. Hold it in. Bottle it up. Act out. Isolate. Self-abuse. Perpetuate the cycle.
What to do about it if you know somebody else who has C-PTSD:
Offer sympathy, support, a shoulder to cry on, lend an ear. Speak from experience. Assist with practical resolution when appropriate (guidance towards escape, therapy, etc.) Be patient.
What not to do about it if you know somebody else who has it:
Do not push your own agenda: proselytize, moralize, speak in absolutes, tell them to "get over it", or try to force reconciliation with the perpetrator or offer "sure fire" cures.
C-PTSD Support Groups & Links:
Out of the FOG Support Forum - Support Forum here at Out of the FOG.
For More Information & Support...
If you suspect you may have a family member or partner who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.
Support Forum - Read real stories. Ask questions.
Top 100 Traits of people with Personality Disorders.
Toolbox - Ideas for coping and common mistakes.
Personality Disorder Glossary - Learn the lingo.
Links to Personality Disorder-related sites.
Books about personality disorders.
Submit feedback on this page here.
-Adree Does Eat

Diagnosis A

Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent- Severe With Psychotic Features, Symptoms and DSM-IV Diagnosis
Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent - Severe With Psychotic Features, Symptoms and Diagnosis Overview:
Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Severe With Psychotic Features, symptoms and diagnostic criteria follow below. While some of these Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent- Severe With Psychotic Features, , symptoms may be recognized by family, teachers, legal and medical professionals, and others, only properly trained mental health professionals (psychologists, psychiatrists, professional counselors etc.) can or should even attempt to make a mental health diagnosis. Many additional factors are considered in addition to the Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent - Severe With Psychotic Features, symptoms in making proper diagnosis, including frequently medical evaluation and psychological testing and consideration. The information below related to Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent - Severe With Psychotic Features, symptoms and diagnostic criteria are for information purposes only and should never replace the judgment and comprehensive assessment by a trained mental health clinician.
Diagnostic criteria for 296.34 Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent: Severe With Psychotic Features
A. Presence of two or more Major Depressive Episodes.
Note: To be considered separate episodes, there must be an interval of at least 2 consecutive months in which criteria are not met for a Major Depressive Episode.
B. The Major Depressive Episodes are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
C There has never been a Manic Episode, a Mixed Episode, or a Hypomanic Episode. Note: This exclusion does not apply if all of the manic-like, mixed-like, or hypomanic-like episodes are substance or treatment induced or are due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.
Specify (for current or most recent episode):
Severity/Psychotic/Remission Specifiers
Chronic
With Catatonic Features
With Melancholic Features
With Atypical Features
With Postpartum Onset
Specify:
Longitudinal Course Specifiers (With and without Interepisode Recovery) With Seasonal Pattern
Criteria for Severity/Psychotic/Remission Specifiers for Current (or most recent ) Mixed Episode
Major Depressive Episode
A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.
Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.
(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)
(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.
(4) Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
(5) Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
(6) Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
(7) Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
(8) Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
(9) Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.
C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).
E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.
Additional Major Depressive Disorder Diagnosis
Information adapted from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-IV
Web www.Psychtreatment.Com
-Adree Does Eat

Addictionary

A:ddictionary-terms I learned in rehab

Cop-to score drug of choice

Celly-cell mate (see also roommate)

Hit-to get needle in a vein

Getting sick-dope sick

The shakes-early stage of delirium tremors or DT's (if you feel like this after drinking your on your way from lush to alcoholic)

The brick-pressure behind your eyes or slang for a shitload of heroin.

Bags-a small measure of heroin

Bones-a description of where one is during methadone withdrawal

Using dreams-self explanatory

Laudanum-an inspired antiquated name for heroin

Seize-very common, but realistic fear while in the midst of withdrawal

Trays-jailhouse slang for meals

Ride or Die-devoted significant other

SO: significant other

Annals: wrinkles in the brain

-Adree Does Eat

The nice "F" words...

Family, friends, food, forgiveness, finding....

....myself again.

Mentally I'm in a better place in general than I have been in a few years, otherwise I could not have made the choices and decisions I have in the last few weeks.

Physically however, is difficult to explain. I have aches and pains, I tremble anytime my blood sugar goes low or I get too nervous. My heart skips beats after I eat-or it feels that way in sighting a panic attack. It could be the effects of a hard core case of G.E.R.D. I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years...really!!! Come on Lou Reed, Velvet Underground, get off my brain and take your brain worms with you!!!!

Anyhow, my mind feels okay.
Downstairs? Not so much.
I know I'm haunted by things that cannot be understood unless you were there. I'd never wish that on anyone.

You ever have those friends that know what to ask when? Or invite your family for dinner, just because? I know I didn't for a long time...and when I did it flew under the radar...

I guess I was too self absorbed.
In times of happiness and times of crisis...real friends come through. It always is surprising just who those people are.
Sometimes shocking who isn't.
We all know what friendship is.
But, this post isn't about that....
This post is a thank you and an apology, I love you. I do realize I have harmed many as well as I have been harmed. Being my rough life was just that-rough. I know I have often acted out in harsh and inappropriate ways to the people that deserved it the least.

I apologize to you all. I thank you for sticking with me.

I know I have a huge heart full of acceptance and love. I do feel love as deeply as I feel anger and pain. I know that sometimes I confuse the two. I don't know why I do this but I will soon learn, I'm sure.

What is "Duel Diagnosis"? It means essentially that you are batshit, banana pancakes insane and you seek anything possible to stop your inner voices and turmoil. Even if it's self harming or harms others. This means drinking, doing drugs (social or medicinal), anything to calm or stimulate yourself. Abandonment of people, places, things-most of all your brain. Your own mind can be a trap. Fight or flight sets in and you run. Escape. It's all about running...And ran I have, many times over. I just leave, one way or another.

I'm not running anymore.

My diagnosis is:
Axis I:
-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
-Generalized Anxiety Disorder complicated by Panic Disorder.
-Severe Depression/recurrent with psychotic features.
My Axis II is:
-Borderline Personality Disorder
-G.E.R.D (couldn't spell that)

It is time to fix this.

I sit with friends, having a great time playing games after dinner and my stomach attacks...so embarrassing, in sighting panic...
Another beer and I'm okay-that's just fucked up. I just want to feel okay-forever.

Thanks to all of you. I look forward to dinner parties and hugs in the future.

You are wonderful and the love, I feel, is from the bottom of my soul. So are my apologies.

We will get there.

Time to collect on some good Karma. I deserve it.

Cheers-

See you in a month-ish!!!!

-Adree Does Eat