The nice "F" words...

Family, friends, food, forgiveness, finding....

....myself again.

Mentally I'm in a better place in general than I have been in a few years, otherwise I could not have made the choices and decisions I have in the last few weeks.

Physically however, is difficult to explain. I have aches and pains, I tremble anytime my blood sugar goes low or I get too nervous. My heart skips beats after I eat-or it feels that way in sighting a panic attack. It could be the effects of a hard core case of G.E.R.D. I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years...really!!! Come on Lou Reed, Velvet Underground, get off my brain and take your brain worms with you!!!!

Anyhow, my mind feels okay.
Downstairs? Not so much.
I know I'm haunted by things that cannot be understood unless you were there. I'd never wish that on anyone.

You ever have those friends that know what to ask when? Or invite your family for dinner, just because? I know I didn't for a long time...and when I did it flew under the radar...

I guess I was too self absorbed.
In times of happiness and times of crisis...real friends come through. It always is surprising just who those people are.
Sometimes shocking who isn't.
We all know what friendship is.
But, this post isn't about that....
This post is a thank you and an apology, I love you. I do realize I have harmed many as well as I have been harmed. Being my rough life was just that-rough. I know I have often acted out in harsh and inappropriate ways to the people that deserved it the least.

I apologize to you all. I thank you for sticking with me.

I know I have a huge heart full of acceptance and love. I do feel love as deeply as I feel anger and pain. I know that sometimes I confuse the two. I don't know why I do this but I will soon learn, I'm sure.

What is "Duel Diagnosis"? It means essentially that you are batshit, banana pancakes insane and you seek anything possible to stop your inner voices and turmoil. Even if it's self harming or harms others. This means drinking, doing drugs (social or medicinal), anything to calm or stimulate yourself. Abandonment of people, places, things-most of all your brain. Your own mind can be a trap. Fight or flight sets in and you run. Escape. It's all about running...And ran I have, many times over. I just leave, one way or another.

I'm not running anymore.

My diagnosis is:
Axis I:
-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
-Generalized Anxiety Disorder complicated by Panic Disorder.
-Severe Depression/recurrent with psychotic features.
My Axis II is:
-Borderline Personality Disorder
-G.E.R.D (couldn't spell that)

It is time to fix this.

I sit with friends, having a great time playing games after dinner and my stomach attacks...so embarrassing, in sighting panic...
Another beer and I'm okay-that's just fucked up. I just want to feel okay-forever.

Thanks to all of you. I look forward to dinner parties and hugs in the future.

You are wonderful and the love, I feel, is from the bottom of my soul. So are my apologies.

We will get there.

Time to collect on some good Karma. I deserve it.

Cheers-

See you in a month-ish!!!!

-Adree Does Eat