Friday, October 12, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Shhh Hush
"...That is why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets..."
My body is full of secrets.
It has kept me from knowing I was becoming an alcoholic. One night I just woke up and realized my life and health were unmanageable.
It kept me from knowing that even though I love food I will cannot fathom why I have such an intense palette. I can taste anything and pretty much duplicate it. I rarely gain any weight, I am often underweight instead...wtf? So much so that people always comment...
Right now it seems I may have gall bladder issues. Or my pancreas is flaring upas my pain there is ever ebbing and severe.
My headaches are crippling and I have had them ever since I can remember. I used to steal I bupropion when I was only six and hide it under my dresser. SIX! My parents never took me to a doctor because let's be honest-they never wanted me or gave enough of a fuck to get it looked into-surprise mom and dad!!!-There was and is something seriously is wrong with my brain and body!!! By ignoring it, is now beyond fixing-thanks, by the way.
Since the car accident and subsequent car jacking, rape and torture...they are a constant in my life. Is it mental and physical? Who fucking cares my bloody head is killing me!
This year will be one of the only years to date I will be sober for this anniversary. I really don't know what to feel about it anymore.
That night fractured me in so many ways I may not be able to even find all of the pieces. I did not even so much as drive by myself much until I was thirty-thirty!
I was eighteen when it happened and every time I look in the mirror I see the scars inside and out. That man, rapist, murderer still walks free! I cannot even get a cell phone because of the bills I incurred from that night. My life got fucked. And he is out there doing it to others I'm sure...and I still suffer...The others probably died. I would have too had the car not crashed.
No more secrets, no more lies. I'm tired of being accused of being a liar...I am tired of being lied too.
I always tell it like it is; Unless when doing so would cause harm to myself and/or others.
I hope karma sodomizes him/them as he/they did to me.
And I hope she is huge and carries a huge pipe wrench too.
Postscript: I am feeling things-I am allowed too!!! It's about fucking time too!!!
File this under resentments.
Emotion: scared and angry
-Adree Does Eat
My body is full of secrets.
It has kept me from knowing I was becoming an alcoholic. One night I just woke up and realized my life and health were unmanageable.
It kept me from knowing that even though I love food I will cannot fathom why I have such an intense palette. I can taste anything and pretty much duplicate it. I rarely gain any weight, I am often underweight instead...wtf? So much so that people always comment...
Right now it seems I may have gall bladder issues. Or my pancreas is flaring upas my pain there is ever ebbing and severe.
My headaches are crippling and I have had them ever since I can remember. I used to steal I bupropion when I was only six and hide it under my dresser. SIX! My parents never took me to a doctor because let's be honest-they never wanted me or gave enough of a fuck to get it looked into-surprise mom and dad!!!-There was and is something seriously is wrong with my brain and body!!! By ignoring it, is now beyond fixing-thanks, by the way.
Since the car accident and subsequent car jacking, rape and torture...they are a constant in my life. Is it mental and physical? Who fucking cares my bloody head is killing me!
This year will be one of the only years to date I will be sober for this anniversary. I really don't know what to feel about it anymore.
That night fractured me in so many ways I may not be able to even find all of the pieces. I did not even so much as drive by myself much until I was thirty-thirty!
I was eighteen when it happened and every time I look in the mirror I see the scars inside and out. That man, rapist, murderer still walks free! I cannot even get a cell phone because of the bills I incurred from that night. My life got fucked. And he is out there doing it to others I'm sure...and I still suffer...The others probably died. I would have too had the car not crashed.
No more secrets, no more lies. I'm tired of being accused of being a liar...I am tired of being lied too.
I always tell it like it is; Unless when doing so would cause harm to myself and/or others.
I hope karma sodomizes him/them as he/they did to me.
And I hope she is huge and carries a huge pipe wrench too.
Postscript: I am feeling things-I am allowed too!!! It's about fucking time too!!!
File this under resentments.
Emotion: scared and angry
-Adree Does Eat
Friday, October 5, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Captain Random: Ideas To Become A Whole Person List
Make a chalk board to write my fears on daily. Erase them the next day.
Burn resentments and regrets each week.
Meditate each night with my higher power. Teach myself to become less selfish in my thoughts.
Truly communicate with friends and loved ones.
Become less aggressive to talk in groups and meetings. You have a lot to get off your chest-but, tone it down.
Make something from the soul each week and give it away.
Make sure loved ones know they are loved. Accept the live given back.
Begin to see the worlds beauty again and delight in all it has to share.
Practice acceptance in general.
Accept that not everyone will like you. You are not as awesome to everyone as you think-be humble.
Learn the difference between humility and acceptance.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive others. (again burn your resentments).
Allow yourself to cry. Force it if needed.
Keep up on housework-organized space, organized life.
Let go, hold tight and learn the proper times to do both.
Be creative.
Appreciate what you have and give whenever you can.
Take your medications.
Avoid triggers.
Go to meetings.
Get a sponsor, and call them!
Keep making these lists.
-Adree Does Eat
Burn resentments and regrets each week.
Meditate each night with my higher power. Teach myself to become less selfish in my thoughts.
Truly communicate with friends and loved ones.
Become less aggressive to talk in groups and meetings. You have a lot to get off your chest-but, tone it down.
Make something from the soul each week and give it away.
Make sure loved ones know they are loved. Accept the live given back.
Begin to see the worlds beauty again and delight in all it has to share.
Practice acceptance in general.
Accept that not everyone will like you. You are not as awesome to everyone as you think-be humble.
Learn the difference between humility and acceptance.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive others. (again burn your resentments).
Allow yourself to cry. Force it if needed.
Keep up on housework-organized space, organized life.
Let go, hold tight and learn the proper times to do both.
Be creative.
Appreciate what you have and give whenever you can.
Take your medications.
Avoid triggers.
Go to meetings.
Get a sponsor, and call them!
Keep making these lists.
-Adree Does Eat
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
The Courtship
At first it was stolen glances. Our eyes would meet, I would hold my gaze unable to look away-I would not show weakness.
It was the nineties. Other things with prettier colors and more defined features held my attention-though even through my stereotypes of girls like her,I still stole kisses behind sheds, on the dead tracks, in abandoned buildings and hidden deep in the woods. She would show up every now and again and I'd let her hang out. Who was I to judge? In a way I was no better.
The millennium came quickly! Here I was in the parking lot of a closed Denny's the violet smoke circling my brain, snowflakes as big as my fist plummeting down. No where to go, nothing else to do. We were hanging out in the back of a celebrity I remember your lips tasted like sweet lemons.
After that we did not run into each other until the night SHE died...
You were good to me that night. You punched me in the face, numbed the shock and finally sung me a somber lulling tale until I passed out dreamless.
We became fuck buddies for a while. We met at clubs, you loved eighties music, gritty industrial, sweet melodic goth and dark wave, you even liked my hip-hop and gangster rap. Dance we did. Often and serious. I rarely bright you home but, often I fell asleep tasting you on my lips.
I don't know when you started sleeping over. It seems one day I woke up and you were just there. You sorta moved in without me looking and you just never left.
It would seem you were more obsessed with me than I with you. You showed up with my friends, dated my boyfriend and my brother. You were just there.
Lately it occurred to me that we are toxic to each other. I do foolish things when I'm with you. Things that you always tell me to blame on you. Your reputation can handle it you say. I can't just hide in your shame anymore. It's not fair to you and it defiantly is not fair to me or my family. I just can't do it. I hate the midnight sneaking and all of the deception I have caused because of you. No more. Please leave kindly and take your baggage with you.
I wish you the best. I will never judge you or look down on you. I accept you as you accepted me. I will think of you often and cherish the good memories as I loathe the bad. It is what it is. We are what we are.
We are no more.
Cheers,
Prost,
Good-bye.
-Adree Does Eat
It was the nineties. Other things with prettier colors and more defined features held my attention-though even through my stereotypes of girls like her,I still stole kisses behind sheds, on the dead tracks, in abandoned buildings and hidden deep in the woods. She would show up every now and again and I'd let her hang out. Who was I to judge? In a way I was no better.
The millennium came quickly! Here I was in the parking lot of a closed Denny's the violet smoke circling my brain, snowflakes as big as my fist plummeting down. No where to go, nothing else to do. We were hanging out in the back of a celebrity I remember your lips tasted like sweet lemons.
After that we did not run into each other until the night SHE died...
You were good to me that night. You punched me in the face, numbed the shock and finally sung me a somber lulling tale until I passed out dreamless.
We became fuck buddies for a while. We met at clubs, you loved eighties music, gritty industrial, sweet melodic goth and dark wave, you even liked my hip-hop and gangster rap. Dance we did. Often and serious. I rarely bright you home but, often I fell asleep tasting you on my lips.
I don't know when you started sleeping over. It seems one day I woke up and you were just there. You sorta moved in without me looking and you just never left.
It would seem you were more obsessed with me than I with you. You showed up with my friends, dated my boyfriend and my brother. You were just there.
Lately it occurred to me that we are toxic to each other. I do foolish things when I'm with you. Things that you always tell me to blame on you. Your reputation can handle it you say. I can't just hide in your shame anymore. It's not fair to you and it defiantly is not fair to me or my family. I just can't do it. I hate the midnight sneaking and all of the deception I have caused because of you. No more. Please leave kindly and take your baggage with you.
I wish you the best. I will never judge you or look down on you. I accept you as you accepted me. I will think of you often and cherish the good memories as I loathe the bad. It is what it is. We are what we are.
We are no more.
Cheers,
Prost,
Good-bye.
-Adree Does Eat
Monday, October 1, 2012
3am
"...because the night is the hardest time of day...and 3am knows all my secrets..."
-Lascivious Violet
I can't sleep again. Surprisingly, the carnival is being quiet. That is a huge surprise. I am able to stay on one track.
Tomorrow is quickly coming. I know I will be just fine taking care of my little girl. I will be tired, but, fine. I used to do it buzzed so, tired will be a piece of cake. She may even lie with me for a bit. She is such an amazing child. I feel so blessed just to be her mommy.
I am so glad I can even think that way. It truly is a sign of my growth. I look back at two months ago and I'm shocked and appalled that my addicted brain would even think it was okay to drink all day with her...
These are my crosses to bare. They are heavy, but, a part of the moral inventory I need to take of myself and my actions.
I was an ugly person. I did appalling things. I spoke with acid on my tongue....
I was not nice....
-Adree Does Eat
-Lascivious Violet
I can't sleep again. Surprisingly, the carnival is being quiet. That is a huge surprise. I am able to stay on one track.
Tomorrow is quickly coming. I know I will be just fine taking care of my little girl. I will be tired, but, fine. I used to do it buzzed so, tired will be a piece of cake. She may even lie with me for a bit. She is such an amazing child. I feel so blessed just to be her mommy.
I am so glad I can even think that way. It truly is a sign of my growth. I look back at two months ago and I'm shocked and appalled that my addicted brain would even think it was okay to drink all day with her...
These are my crosses to bare. They are heavy, but, a part of the moral inventory I need to take of myself and my actions.
I was an ugly person. I did appalling things. I spoke with acid on my tongue....
I was not nice....
-Adree Does Eat
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)