Shhh Hush

"...That is why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets..."

My body is full of secrets.

It has kept me from knowing I was becoming an alcoholic. One night I just woke up and realized my life and health were unmanageable.

It kept me from knowing that even though I love food I will cannot fathom why I have such an intense palette. I can taste anything and pretty much duplicate it. I rarely gain any weight, I am often underweight instead...wtf? So much so that people always comment...

Right now it seems I may have gall bladder issues. Or my pancreas is flaring upas my pain there is ever ebbing and severe.

My headaches are crippling and I have had them ever since I can remember. I used to steal I bupropion when I was only six and hide it under my dresser. SIX! My parents never took me to a doctor because let's be honest-they never wanted me or gave enough of a fuck to get it looked into-surprise mom and dad!!!-There was and is something seriously is wrong with my brain and body!!! By ignoring it, is now beyond fixing-thanks, by the way.

Since the car accident and subsequent car jacking, rape and torture...they are a constant in my life. Is it mental and physical? Who fucking cares my bloody head is killing me!

This year will be one of the only years to date I will be sober for this anniversary. I really don't know what to feel about it anymore.

That night fractured me in so many ways I may not be able to even find all of the pieces. I did not even so much as drive by myself much until I was thirty-thirty!

I was eighteen when it happened and every time I look in the mirror I see the scars inside and out. That man, rapist, murderer still walks free! I cannot even get a cell phone because of the bills I incurred from that night. My life got fucked. And he is out there doing it to others I'm sure...and I still suffer...The others probably died. I would have too had the car not crashed.

No more secrets, no more lies. I'm tired of being accused of being a liar...I am tired of being lied too.

I always tell it like it is; Unless when doing so would cause harm to myself and/or others.

I hope karma sodomizes him/them as he/they did to me.

And I hope she is huge and carries a huge pipe wrench too.

Postscript: I am feeling things-I am allowed too!!! It's about fucking time too!!!

File this under resentments.
Emotion: scared and angry


-Adree Does Eat