Rant

First World Problems.
I hate that phrase. It just pisses me off. What is second world? I know what third world is. I am aware of all of the shit in this fucking world. I am a worrier. I ruminate, I dwell, I worry. I feel fucking guilty all the time. I have so much guilt that it throws me into the realm of psychosis and deep, dark, morbid depression.
But, you know what? I am trying to change that. I am trying to be more positive. I am looking at the utterers of this phrase and I am like "well, what the fuck are you doing to help with these third world, problems"? Nothing. Not a fucking thing. I understand that it is all perspective. Truth, Life, Everything is perspective.
Yes, there are bigger problems in the world. But, you know what? There is nothing I can/need/want to do about them. I have one life. This Life. I am just human having my own human experience. My problems are real. They are my challenges to face. And they bug me. I have perspective. I have seen rock bottom a few times now. I have faced addiction, near death, and fucking childbirth.
Just because I chose to share my problems with the world looking for possible solutions, answers, perspective that I have not seen before does not mean I don't care. I just do-too deeply and I have to let that go to make my human experience a more positive one. I am tired of carrying the worlds misery on my shoulders. I need to face and change my own.
And why the fuck can I not spell awnser or expirience? Since second grade this has been a problem for my tired brain. I need a nap.
End Rant.
(This does not apply to anyone who has actually traveled to a third world and did what they could to help).


-Adree Does Eat

Wandering Souls Christmas Dinner

Cheese-all kinds with goodies on the side

Mussels in (Thai/Tuscan) Fusion Sauce

Chinese Dumplings with Sauce


Roast Pork with Pear, Sweet Potato, Bacon, Chestnuts and Onion Raspberry Compote

Green beans with Lemon and Almond

And other stuff








-Adree Does Eat

One Moment, One Day at a Time

Planning Christmas....

Yay!

Sigh...

Woot!!!!

Ahhh....

I need a shower and some excederine....

I got a headache called Christmas!!!!

-Adree Does Eat

Thanksgiving Rant-not for the faint

Thanksgiving.

What's not to love? You have the cooking, the wine, the beer, the mimosas, the football, the friends, the family...the the the...

Well-this time of year I always kind of shut down. I hate it.

To me it is a reminder of the fact I have been forced to have sex too many times against my will. How can I be thankful on a day that reminds me of rape?

Too shocking? Stop reading!

Well, I am truly thankful to be alive. That almost didn't happen many times. I am thankful for food. There were many times I didn't have any, and many more that I did but couldn't eat it. I am thankful for family since at one time mine had abandoned me. I am thankful for warmth since I spent many days and nights cold. I am thankful for a home since I didn't have one to call my own for years. I am thankful for makeup because I love to look pretty....

*Sigh*

Looking pretty...Is that where my problem lies? Maybe. Maybe it was just location, means and opportunity...
A tiny female in a tiny car, on a dark street, alone in downtown Detroit the night before a major holiday beckons to be kidnapped, held at gun point and tortured-right? I guess so. I'm at peace with the fact I put myself there. Now what angers me is the polices reaction-or lack there of...

I watch forensic shows all the time, even in a small town, such a case would have at least received some attention a rape kit, fingerprinting, a sworn statements-something. If there was DNA on file maybe they could have prosecuted the demon-he had already been to jail...something, anything and I could have got my justice. Ack!!! Unfortunately, I will never get any.

Fuck the police!

I'm also mad at a few friends and family members that refused to accept that it happened. See also: a few people that chose to pressure me for more excitement during sex this time of year.

This shit happens, it happened to me. Fuck the whole bunch of you!

Hello C-PTSD can we get past this someday, please? Thanks!

I am thankful for my sobriety this year. Good job, lets keep it up. Lets not let this holiday reminder of something tragic ruin all we have accomplished. It's just a holiday-a date on a calendar...try not to let anything get you down. Honestly, no matter how much you drink, you'll hate yourself more in the morning.

You're safe, you're warm, you have a great family-bask in all they have to offer and hold your little girl a little closer tonight.

Fuck anyone/thing trying to get you down. Stay home if you need, be alone. Nothing is worth ruining how far you have come.

Be thankful-you survived!

Love and thanks this day and everyday you're awesome. Stay Strong.

Happy Thanksgiving!


-Adree Does Eat

-Adree Does Eat

The Fuck-It's: Part One

Rise above.

-Adree Does Eat

Shhh Hush

"...That is why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets..."

My body is full of secrets.

It has kept me from knowing I was becoming an alcoholic. One night I just woke up and realized my life and health were unmanageable.

It kept me from knowing that even though I love food I will cannot fathom why I have such an intense palette. I can taste anything and pretty much duplicate it. I rarely gain any weight, I am often underweight instead...wtf? So much so that people always comment...

Right now it seems I may have gall bladder issues. Or my pancreas is flaring upas my pain there is ever ebbing and severe.

My headaches are crippling and I have had them ever since I can remember. I used to steal I bupropion when I was only six and hide it under my dresser. SIX! My parents never took me to a doctor because let's be honest-they never wanted me or gave enough of a fuck to get it looked into-surprise mom and dad!!!-There was and is something seriously is wrong with my brain and body!!! By ignoring it, is now beyond fixing-thanks, by the way.

Since the car accident and subsequent car jacking, rape and torture...they are a constant in my life. Is it mental and physical? Who fucking cares my bloody head is killing me!

This year will be one of the only years to date I will be sober for this anniversary. I really don't know what to feel about it anymore.

That night fractured me in so many ways I may not be able to even find all of the pieces. I did not even so much as drive by myself much until I was thirty-thirty!

I was eighteen when it happened and every time I look in the mirror I see the scars inside and out. That man, rapist, murderer still walks free! I cannot even get a cell phone because of the bills I incurred from that night. My life got fucked. And he is out there doing it to others I'm sure...and I still suffer...The others probably died. I would have too had the car not crashed.

No more secrets, no more lies. I'm tired of being accused of being a liar...I am tired of being lied too.

I always tell it like it is; Unless when doing so would cause harm to myself and/or others.

I hope karma sodomizes him/them as he/they did to me.

And I hope she is huge and carries a huge pipe wrench too.

Postscript: I am feeling things-I am allowed too!!! It's about fucking time too!!!

File this under resentments.
Emotion: scared and angry


-Adree Does Eat

Anhedonia

I don't enjoy sleeping, I don't enjoy being awake. I'm just existing.
-Adree Does Eat

Captain Random: Ideas To Become A Whole Person List

Make a chalk board to write my fears on daily. Erase them the next day.

Burn resentments and regrets each week.

Meditate each night with my higher power. Teach myself to become less selfish in my thoughts.

Truly communicate with friends and loved ones.

Become less aggressive to talk in groups and meetings. You have a lot to get off your chest-but, tone it down.

Make something from the soul each week and give it away.

Make sure loved ones know they are loved. Accept the live given back.

Begin to see the worlds beauty again and delight in all it has to share.

Practice acceptance in general.

Accept that not everyone will like you. You are not as awesome to everyone as you think-be humble.

Learn the difference between humility and acceptance.

Forgive yourself.

Forgive others. (again burn your resentments).

Allow yourself to cry. Force it if needed.

Keep up on housework-organized space, organized life.

Let go, hold tight and learn the proper times to do both.

Be creative.

Appreciate what you have and give whenever you can.

Take your medications.

Avoid triggers.

Go to meetings.

Get a sponsor, and call them!

Keep making these lists.




-Adree Does Eat

The Courtship

At first it was stolen glances. Our eyes would meet, I would hold my gaze unable to look away-I would not show weakness.

It was the nineties. Other things with prettier colors and more defined features held my attention-though even through my stereotypes of girls like her,I still stole kisses behind sheds, on the dead tracks, in abandoned buildings and hidden deep in the woods. She would show up every now and again and I'd let her hang out. Who was I to judge? In a way I was no better.

The millennium came quickly! Here I was in the parking lot of a closed Denny's the violet smoke circling my brain, snowflakes as big as my fist plummeting down. No where to go, nothing else to do. We were hanging out in the back of a celebrity I remember your lips tasted like sweet lemons.

After that we did not run into each other until the night SHE died...

You were good to me that night. You punched me in the face, numbed the shock and finally sung me a somber lulling tale until I passed out dreamless.

We became fuck buddies for a while. We met at clubs, you loved eighties music, gritty industrial, sweet melodic goth and dark wave, you even liked my hip-hop and gangster rap. Dance we did. Often and serious. I rarely bright you home but, often I fell asleep tasting you on my lips.

I don't know when you started sleeping over. It seems one day I woke up and you were just there. You sorta moved in without me looking and you just never left.

It would seem you were more obsessed with me than I with you. You showed up with my friends, dated my boyfriend and my brother. You were just there.

Lately it occurred to me that we are toxic to each other. I do foolish things when I'm with you. Things that you always tell me to blame on you. Your reputation can handle it you say. I can't just hide in your shame anymore. It's not fair to you and it defiantly is not fair to me or my family. I just can't do it. I hate the midnight sneaking and all of the deception I have caused because of you. No more. Please leave kindly and take your baggage with you.

I wish you the best. I will never judge you or look down on you. I accept you as you accepted me. I will think of you often and cherish the good memories as I loathe the bad. It is what it is. We are what we are.

We are no more.

Cheers,

Prost,

Good-bye.


-Adree Does Eat

3am

"...because the night is the hardest time of day...and 3am knows all my secrets..."

-Lascivious Violet

I can't sleep again. Surprisingly, the carnival is being quiet. That is a huge surprise. I am able to stay on one track.

Tomorrow is quickly coming. I know I will be just fine taking care of my little girl. I will be tired, but, fine. I used to do it buzzed so, tired will be a piece of cake. She may even lie with me for a bit. She is such an amazing child. I feel so blessed just to be her mommy.

I am so glad I can even think that way. It truly is a sign of my growth. I look back at two months ago and I'm shocked and appalled that my addicted brain would even think it was okay to drink all day with her...

These are my crosses to bare. They are heavy, but, a part of the moral inventory I need to take of myself and my actions.

I was an ugly person. I did appalling things. I spoke with acid on my tongue....

I was not nice....


-Adree Does Eat

Tachycardia Day -16

Another word is terror. Like drop dead any minute terror.

My heart missed beats; stopped every now and again and sped up without warning.

I awoke bathed in sweat. Adrenaline pumping; I sought out the edge of the bed, my arms feeling like dead weight, my legs shaking so hard my ankles refused to work.

My head feels like there are earwigs gnawing behind my left eye and I am seeing the shadow people running amuck in the corners of the room.

I think Death has come for me. That cruel mistress had to awaken me rather than stealing her last kiss while i am still dreaming like a proper lady.

I meander slowly down the six steps to my kitchen. Frantically I search for my daughters vitamins and pop a beer. I read somewhere that thiamin and potassium can help an ailing heart. I'm out of aspirin so I'm thinking beer=blood thinner. I look up heart attack on my oh-so-smart phone and pop my second beer.

My ring and pinky fingers are numb while I search frantically for the reasons I am surely going to die.

After some five count deep breathing, I begin to feel better.

My legs stop shaking. The crushing chest pains stop, I can breathe, my panic is subsiding...I open another beer. Relaxed, I return to bed, worried, but, okay.

This was the first night I felt something was horribly wrong.




-Adree Does Eat

Diagnosis B

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)
Definition:
Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) - Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a psychological injury that results from prolonged exposure to social or interpersonal trauma, disempowerment, captivity or entrapment, with lack or loss of a viable escape route for the victim.
C-PTSD Introduction
C-PTSD What It Feels Like
Differences between C-PTSD & PTSD
C-PTSD Characteristics
C-PTSD Causes
C-PTSD Treatment
C-PTSD Support Groups
C-PTSD Introduction
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of:
domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse
childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse
entrapment or kidnapping.
slavery or enforced labor.
long term imprisonment and torture
repeated violations of personal boundaries.
long-term objectification.
exposure to gaslighting & false accusations
long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull, splitting or alternating raging & hoovering behaviors.
long-term taking care of mentally ill or chronically sick family members.
long term exposure to crisis conditions.
When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. This is because they know how bad things can possibly be. And they know that it could possibly happen again. And they know that if it ever does happen again, it might be worse than before.
The degree of C-PTSD trauma cannot be defined purely in terms of the trauma that a person has experienced. It is important to understand that each person is different and has a different tolerance level to trauma. Therefore, what one person may be able to shake off, another person may not. Therefore more or less exposure to trauma does not necessarily make the C-PTSD any more or less severe.
C-PTSD sufferers may "stuff" or suppress their emotional reaction to traumatic events without resolution either because they believe each event by itself doesn't seem like such a big deal or because they see no satisfactory resolution opportunity available to them. This suppression of "emotional baggage" can continue for a long time either until a "last straw" event occurs, or a safer emotional environment emerges and the damn begins to break.
The "Complex" in Complex Post Traumatic Disorder describes how one layer after another of trauma can interact with one another. Sometimes, it is mistakenly assumed that the most recent traumatic event in a person's life is the one that brought them to their knees. However, just addressing that single most-recent event may possibly be an invalidating experience for the C-PTSD sufferer. Therefore, it is important to recognize that those who suffer from C-PTSD may be experiencing feelings from all their traumatic exposure, even as they try to address the most recent traumatic event.
This is what differentiates C-PTSD from the classic PTSD diagnosis - which typically describes an emotional response to a single or to a discrete number of traumatic events.
Difference between C-PTSD & PTSD
Although similar, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) differs slightly from the more commonly understood & diagnosed condition Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in causes and symptoms.
C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress from which there is little chance of escape. PTSD can result from single events, or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma.
Therefore a soldier returning from intense battle may be likely to show PTSD symptoms, but a kidnapped prisoner of war who was held for several years may show additional symptoms of C-PTSD.
Similarly, a child who witnesses a friend's death in an accident may exhibit some symptoms of PTSD but a child who grows up in an abusive home may exhibit the additional C-PTSD characteristics shown below:
C-PTSD - What it Feels Like:
People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel un-centered and shaky, as if they are likely to have an embarrassing emotional breakdown or burst into tears at any moment. They may feel unloved - or that nothing they can accomplish is ever going to be "good enough" for others.
People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel compelled to get away from others and be by themselves, so that no-one will witness what may come next. They may feel afraid to form close friendships to prevent possible loss should another catastrophe strike.
People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel that everything is just about to go "out the window" and that they will not be able to handle even the simplest task. They may be too distracted by what is going on at home to focus on being successful at school or in the workplace.
C-PTSD Characteristics
How it can manifest in the victim(s) over time:
Rage turned inward: Eating disorders. Depression. Substance Abuse / Alcoholism. Truancy. Dropping out. Promiscuity. Co-dependence. Doormat syndrome (choosing poor partners, trying to please someone who can never be pleased, trying to resolve the primal relationship)
Rage turned outward: Theft. Destruction of property. Violence. Becoming a control freak.
Other: Learned hyper vigilance. Clouded perception or blinders about others (especially romantic partners) Seeks positions of power and / or control: choosing occupations or recreational outlets which may put oneself in physical danger. Or choosing to become a "fixer" - Therapist, Mediator, etc.
Avoidance - Avoidance is the practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.
Blaming - Blaming is the practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.
Catastrophizing - Catastrophizing is the habit of automatically assuming a "worst case scenario" and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.
"Control-Me" Syndrome - "Control-Me" Syndrome describes a tendency that some abuse victims and some people who suffer from personality disorders have to nurture relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or "acting-out" nature.
Denial (PD) - Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen.
Dependency - Dependency is an inappropriate and chronic reliance by one adult individual on another for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well- being.
Depression (Non-PD) -Depression is when you feel sadder than your circumstances dictate, for longer than your circumstances last - but still can't seem to break out of it.
Escape To Fantasy - Escape to Fantasy is sometimes practiced by people who routinely shun transparency with others and present a facade to friends, partners and family members. Their true identity and feelings are commonly expressed privately in an alternate fantasy world.
Fear of Abandonment - Fear of abandonment and irrational jealousy is a phobia, sometimes exhibited by people with personality disorders, that they are in imminent danger of being rejected, discarded or replaced at the whim of a person who is close to them.
Hyper Vigilance - Hyper Vigilance is the practice of maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts and interests of others.
Identity Disturbance - Identity disturbance is a psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view.
Learned Helplessness- Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe they have no control over a situation, even when they actually do have the power to change their circumstances, leading them into an unneccessary state of depression, where initiative, action or investment is deemed futile.
Low Self-Esteem - Low Self-Esteem is a common name for a negatively-distorted self-view which is inconsistent with reality. People who have low self-esteem often see themselves as unworthy of being successful in personal and professional settings and in social relationships. They may view their successes and their strenghts in a negative light and believe that others see them in the same way. As a result, they may develop an avoidance strategy to protect themselves from criticism.
Panic Attacks - Panic Attacks are short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms.
Perfectionism - Perfectionism is the practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unsustainable or unattainable standard of organization, order or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in others.
Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia is the use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.
Self-Loathing - Self Loathing is an extreme self-hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.
Tunnel Vision - Tunnel Vision is the habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.
C-PTSD Causes
C-PTSD is caused by a prolonged or sustained exposure to emotional trauma or abuse from which no short-term means of escape is available or apparent to the victim.
The precise neurological damage that exists in C-PTSD victims is not well understood.
C-PTSD Treatment
Little has been done in clinical studies of treatment of C-PTSD. However, in general the following is recommended:
Removal of and protection from the source of the trauma and/or abuse.
Acknowledgement of the trauma as real, important and undeserved.
Acknowledge that the trauma came from something that was stronger than the victim and therefore could not be avoided.
Acknowledgement of the "complex" nature of C-PTSD - that responses to earlier traumas may have led to decisions that brought on additional, undeserved trauma.
Acknowledgement that recovery from the trauma is not trivial and will require significant time and effort.
Separation of residual problems into those that the victim can resolve (such as personal improvement goals) and those that the victim cannot resolve (such as the behavior of a disordered family member)
Mourning for what has been lost and cannot be recovered.
Identification of what has been lost and can be recovered.
Program of recovery with focus on what can be improved in an individuals life that is under their own control.
Placement in a supportive environment where the victim can discover they are not alone and can receive validation for their successes and support through their struggles.
As necessary, personal therapy to promote self discovery.
As required, prescription of antidepressant medications.
What to do about C-PTSD if you've got it:
Remove yourself from the primary or situation or secondary situations stemming from the primary abuse. Seek therapy. Talk about it. Write about it. Meditation. Medication if needed. Physical Exercise. Rewrite the script of your life.
What not to do about it:
Stay. Hold it in. Bottle it up. Act out. Isolate. Self-abuse. Perpetuate the cycle.
What to do about it if you know somebody else who has C-PTSD:
Offer sympathy, support, a shoulder to cry on, lend an ear. Speak from experience. Assist with practical resolution when appropriate (guidance towards escape, therapy, etc.) Be patient.
What not to do about it if you know somebody else who has it:
Do not push your own agenda: proselytize, moralize, speak in absolutes, tell them to "get over it", or try to force reconciliation with the perpetrator or offer "sure fire" cures.
C-PTSD Support Groups & Links:
Out of the FOG Support Forum - Support Forum here at Out of the FOG.
For More Information & Support...
If you suspect you may have a family member or partner who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.
Support Forum - Read real stories. Ask questions.
Top 100 Traits of people with Personality Disorders.
Toolbox - Ideas for coping and common mistakes.
Personality Disorder Glossary - Learn the lingo.
Links to Personality Disorder-related sites.
Books about personality disorders.
Submit feedback on this page here.
-Adree Does Eat

Diagnosis A

Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent- Severe With Psychotic Features, Symptoms and DSM-IV Diagnosis
Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent - Severe With Psychotic Features, Symptoms and Diagnosis Overview:
Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Severe With Psychotic Features, symptoms and diagnostic criteria follow below. While some of these Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent- Severe With Psychotic Features, , symptoms may be recognized by family, teachers, legal and medical professionals, and others, only properly trained mental health professionals (psychologists, psychiatrists, professional counselors etc.) can or should even attempt to make a mental health diagnosis. Many additional factors are considered in addition to the Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent - Severe With Psychotic Features, symptoms in making proper diagnosis, including frequently medical evaluation and psychological testing and consideration. The information below related to Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent - Severe With Psychotic Features, symptoms and diagnostic criteria are for information purposes only and should never replace the judgment and comprehensive assessment by a trained mental health clinician.
Diagnostic criteria for 296.34 Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent: Severe With Psychotic Features
A. Presence of two or more Major Depressive Episodes.
Note: To be considered separate episodes, there must be an interval of at least 2 consecutive months in which criteria are not met for a Major Depressive Episode.
B. The Major Depressive Episodes are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
C There has never been a Manic Episode, a Mixed Episode, or a Hypomanic Episode. Note: This exclusion does not apply if all of the manic-like, mixed-like, or hypomanic-like episodes are substance or treatment induced or are due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.
Specify (for current or most recent episode):
Severity/Psychotic/Remission Specifiers
Chronic
With Catatonic Features
With Melancholic Features
With Atypical Features
With Postpartum Onset
Specify:
Longitudinal Course Specifiers (With and without Interepisode Recovery) With Seasonal Pattern
Criteria for Severity/Psychotic/Remission Specifiers for Current (or most recent ) Mixed Episode
Major Depressive Episode
A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.
Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.
(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)
(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.
(4) Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
(5) Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
(6) Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
(7) Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
(8) Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
(9) Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.
C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).
E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.
Additional Major Depressive Disorder Diagnosis
Information adapted from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-IV
Web www.Psychtreatment.Com
-Adree Does Eat

Addictionary

A:ddictionary-terms I learned in rehab

Cop-to score drug of choice

Celly-cell mate (see also roommate)

Hit-to get needle in a vein

Getting sick-dope sick

The shakes-early stage of delirium tremors or DT's (if you feel like this after drinking your on your way from lush to alcoholic)

The brick-pressure behind your eyes or slang for a shitload of heroin.

Bags-a small measure of heroin

Bones-a description of where one is during methadone withdrawal

Using dreams-self explanatory

Laudanum-an inspired antiquated name for heroin

Seize-very common, but realistic fear while in the midst of withdrawal

Trays-jailhouse slang for meals

Ride or Die-devoted significant other

SO: significant other

Annals: wrinkles in the brain

-Adree Does Eat

The nice "F" words...

Family, friends, food, forgiveness, finding....

....myself again.

Mentally I'm in a better place in general than I have been in a few years, otherwise I could not have made the choices and decisions I have in the last few weeks.

Physically however, is difficult to explain. I have aches and pains, I tremble anytime my blood sugar goes low or I get too nervous. My heart skips beats after I eat-or it feels that way in sighting a panic attack. It could be the effects of a hard core case of G.E.R.D. I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years...really!!! Come on Lou Reed, Velvet Underground, get off my brain and take your brain worms with you!!!!

Anyhow, my mind feels okay.
Downstairs? Not so much.
I know I'm haunted by things that cannot be understood unless you were there. I'd never wish that on anyone.

You ever have those friends that know what to ask when? Or invite your family for dinner, just because? I know I didn't for a long time...and when I did it flew under the radar...

I guess I was too self absorbed.
In times of happiness and times of crisis...real friends come through. It always is surprising just who those people are.
Sometimes shocking who isn't.
We all know what friendship is.
But, this post isn't about that....
This post is a thank you and an apology, I love you. I do realize I have harmed many as well as I have been harmed. Being my rough life was just that-rough. I know I have often acted out in harsh and inappropriate ways to the people that deserved it the least.

I apologize to you all. I thank you for sticking with me.

I know I have a huge heart full of acceptance and love. I do feel love as deeply as I feel anger and pain. I know that sometimes I confuse the two. I don't know why I do this but I will soon learn, I'm sure.

What is "Duel Diagnosis"? It means essentially that you are batshit, banana pancakes insane and you seek anything possible to stop your inner voices and turmoil. Even if it's self harming or harms others. This means drinking, doing drugs (social or medicinal), anything to calm or stimulate yourself. Abandonment of people, places, things-most of all your brain. Your own mind can be a trap. Fight or flight sets in and you run. Escape. It's all about running...And ran I have, many times over. I just leave, one way or another.

I'm not running anymore.

My diagnosis is:
Axis I:
-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
-Generalized Anxiety Disorder complicated by Panic Disorder.
-Severe Depression/recurrent with psychotic features.
My Axis II is:
-Borderline Personality Disorder
-G.E.R.D (couldn't spell that)

It is time to fix this.

I sit with friends, having a great time playing games after dinner and my stomach attacks...so embarrassing, in sighting panic...
Another beer and I'm okay-that's just fucked up. I just want to feel okay-forever.

Thanks to all of you. I look forward to dinner parties and hugs in the future.

You are wonderful and the love, I feel, is from the bottom of my soul. So are my apologies.

We will get there.

Time to collect on some good Karma. I deserve it.

Cheers-

See you in a month-ish!!!!

-Adree Does Eat

Finger on the Trigger

So,
Here are some subjects that may both impress and enrage people.
First...
Deep breath...for all of you that suffer weight and body image issues, I understand and sympathize. I too have similar issues. I weigh 110lbs in soaking wet clothes.
I eat. I love to cook. I'm not a junky and I'm not anorexic.
Why is it okay to ask me about it? Why is it okay to grab my wrists and compare them to your child's? Why is it okay to approach me about it at all?
I would never dream of doing that to someone. I was raised better than that.
I look in the mirror and hate it. I feel like all of my clothes fit like rags hanging from a broom. I cry too.
It gives me a complex adding too my already disturbed mind. I have felt like this all my life.
How dare you?
Second:
Mental illness...I'll return to this later....I need to process and make breakfast-because I do eat...
-Adree Does Eat

Captain Random 1:

Wow, just, wow.

What an interesting few days.

It's election season. This year I made my choice early and backed away. I figured if something cool happened, some one would surely tell me, right?

No,
It's election season and I'm a computer nerd. I love social media. And social media is full of my friends.

My friends love politics-in all it's forms.

Like it or not I am absorbed.

I get mad, sad, happy, glad...all in five minutes. It's cool. Like, directed rapid cycling. I love it.

This year (season), I'm going through the emotions! Up and down. This rape talk has to stop, as does the abortion and birth control issues. Stop being idiots and focus.


Get down to the money. That's what your really all about.

-just my opinion. I believe what I read... It's a fault, I know. I'm good at pointing out mine, your turn.


-Adree Does Eat

Threads

Hi,

It's my morning before my morning. I'm probably going to do a lot of writing today because Friday they will be prying my iPhone from my quivering fingers.

Friday, I reset, start over and hopefully become human.
I'm a prisoner you see. Not the "slit my husbands throat and chucked him into the lake" kind...
Nor am I the "moved around a few zeros and got a better tax return" kind...

But, the kind that someone builds with invisible spiderweb strong gossamer threads of their own spinning.

And spun I have.

I started weaving at about age six. My dad and I were out shopping for a new jacket. It was the first time he let me pick something out. I chose a mid-thigh pink corduroy coat with grey piping and snaps-I love snaps. I loved that coat. I think it was my intro to fashion. I wish I could have passed that coat to Rowan, but, I think my sister puked on it. Corduroy and puke are not a good combo.

We return to the car, my dad tells me I can sit up front. Only he doesn't start the engine. Keys gripped, my dads hands fall to his lap and he looks at me. "Adri, do you know how babies are made?"

Confused I say "I think so". I had no idea, but, since everyone always said I was so smart, I couldn't let something like this destroy my image. I faked it.

My dad points to his junk and says "well, a man takes this and puts it in that" pointing at my junk. "some fluids are exchanged and 9 months later a baby comes out.

"...because of this fact Adri, I am not your father. I'm sorry. Your mother and I would like me to be, but, you have to want me to be. Do you want me to be your father?"

My thought processor was over heating. I understood-I am smart, remember? I was suddenly so hurt, happy, sad, mad....I felt too much all at once. My dad was still talking about adoption and parties...All I was picturing was my dad peeing inside of my mom.

I looked over and whispered "yes".

And the threads began to weave....

It was the first time I buried my emotions. I had to stay strong for my dad. I didn't want him to see that I was upset. A single tear fell.
Now my prison is a tight cocoon.

This weekend I will begin my metamorphosis.

Who will I be?

What will I become. Only time can say.

I always did want wings.

-Adree Does Eat

This is a typical conversation

Almost bed time. Good. I love going to bed. I am a superhero in bed-multitasking? Done. Facebook? Done. Resumes are in, book in hand-it's bedtime....

Or so I think.

While looking at page 147 for god and Kurt only knows how long, I get transfixed by the conversation in my brain...

"So, you like unicorns and are just cool with honey?"

"how can you compare the two?"

"they are both sweet"

"wait...what???"

"new topic"

"you need to put dinner away"

"I kinda gotta pee"

"let's go pee!"

"easy killers, I'm comfy-your right though lets go now"

"it's raining"

"well isn't that nice"

"nice and wet, I'm not going out there".

"we are peeing inside, relax"!

"wait food".

"what food,relax, we want our steak cold and have other needs to attend too".

"right on, cool beans"

"I'm hungry, it's gonna be good tomorrow, let's get it in the morning cold"

"k-so, pee, put food away and then check Facebook, read, sleep".

"cool, let's do this"...

Later....

"everything is white, are we injured? Unconscious??"

"it's okay, it's just fog-fog in the house...wait, that's weird, whose house is this?"

I look around, I'm in a dusty kitchen. The food looks fresh, everything else is spoiled-it smells like dust and orange oil in here.

Through a small doorway is a dining room. The green carpet is threadbare and resembles what you might expect from a seedy motel, kinda like a wanna be oriental style. It smooshes under my feet. Everything feels damp. I walk over to a small desk against the far wall next to the roaring fire (where did that come from?) and start looking through things.
Ancient bills and adds from the 50's right on top. Interesting....

Ahh dreams. I cannot even sleep when I'm asleep....

It's a punk life.

-Adree Does Eat