Wandering Souls Christmas Dinner

Cheese-all kinds with goodies on the side

Mussels in (Thai/Tuscan) Fusion Sauce

Chinese Dumplings with Sauce


Roast Pork with Pear, Sweet Potato, Bacon, Chestnuts and Onion Raspberry Compote

Green beans with Lemon and Almond

And other stuff








-Adree Does Eat

One Moment, One Day at a Time

Planning Christmas....

Yay!

Sigh...

Woot!!!!

Ahhh....

I need a shower and some excederine....

I got a headache called Christmas!!!!

-Adree Does Eat

Thanksgiving Rant-not for the faint

Thanksgiving.

What's not to love? You have the cooking, the wine, the beer, the mimosas, the football, the friends, the family...the the the...

Well-this time of year I always kind of shut down. I hate it.

To me it is a reminder of the fact I have been forced to have sex too many times against my will. How can I be thankful on a day that reminds me of rape?

Too shocking? Stop reading!

Well, I am truly thankful to be alive. That almost didn't happen many times. I am thankful for food. There were many times I didn't have any, and many more that I did but couldn't eat it. I am thankful for family since at one time mine had abandoned me. I am thankful for warmth since I spent many days and nights cold. I am thankful for a home since I didn't have one to call my own for years. I am thankful for makeup because I love to look pretty....

*Sigh*

Looking pretty...Is that where my problem lies? Maybe. Maybe it was just location, means and opportunity...
A tiny female in a tiny car, on a dark street, alone in downtown Detroit the night before a major holiday beckons to be kidnapped, held at gun point and tortured-right? I guess so. I'm at peace with the fact I put myself there. Now what angers me is the polices reaction-or lack there of...

I watch forensic shows all the time, even in a small town, such a case would have at least received some attention a rape kit, fingerprinting, a sworn statements-something. If there was DNA on file maybe they could have prosecuted the demon-he had already been to jail...something, anything and I could have got my justice. Ack!!! Unfortunately, I will never get any.

Fuck the police!

I'm also mad at a few friends and family members that refused to accept that it happened. See also: a few people that chose to pressure me for more excitement during sex this time of year.

This shit happens, it happened to me. Fuck the whole bunch of you!

Hello C-PTSD can we get past this someday, please? Thanks!

I am thankful for my sobriety this year. Good job, lets keep it up. Lets not let this holiday reminder of something tragic ruin all we have accomplished. It's just a holiday-a date on a calendar...try not to let anything get you down. Honestly, no matter how much you drink, you'll hate yourself more in the morning.

You're safe, you're warm, you have a great family-bask in all they have to offer and hold your little girl a little closer tonight.

Fuck anyone/thing trying to get you down. Stay home if you need, be alone. Nothing is worth ruining how far you have come.

Be thankful-you survived!

Love and thanks this day and everyday you're awesome. Stay Strong.

Happy Thanksgiving!


-Adree Does Eat

-Adree Does Eat

The Fuck-It's: Part One

Rise above.

-Adree Does Eat

Shhh Hush

"...That is why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets..."

My body is full of secrets.

It has kept me from knowing I was becoming an alcoholic. One night I just woke up and realized my life and health were unmanageable.

It kept me from knowing that even though I love food I will cannot fathom why I have such an intense palette. I can taste anything and pretty much duplicate it. I rarely gain any weight, I am often underweight instead...wtf? So much so that people always comment...

Right now it seems I may have gall bladder issues. Or my pancreas is flaring upas my pain there is ever ebbing and severe.

My headaches are crippling and I have had them ever since I can remember. I used to steal I bupropion when I was only six and hide it under my dresser. SIX! My parents never took me to a doctor because let's be honest-they never wanted me or gave enough of a fuck to get it looked into-surprise mom and dad!!!-There was and is something seriously is wrong with my brain and body!!! By ignoring it, is now beyond fixing-thanks, by the way.

Since the car accident and subsequent car jacking, rape and torture...they are a constant in my life. Is it mental and physical? Who fucking cares my bloody head is killing me!

This year will be one of the only years to date I will be sober for this anniversary. I really don't know what to feel about it anymore.

That night fractured me in so many ways I may not be able to even find all of the pieces. I did not even so much as drive by myself much until I was thirty-thirty!

I was eighteen when it happened and every time I look in the mirror I see the scars inside and out. That man, rapist, murderer still walks free! I cannot even get a cell phone because of the bills I incurred from that night. My life got fucked. And he is out there doing it to others I'm sure...and I still suffer...The others probably died. I would have too had the car not crashed.

No more secrets, no more lies. I'm tired of being accused of being a liar...I am tired of being lied too.

I always tell it like it is; Unless when doing so would cause harm to myself and/or others.

I hope karma sodomizes him/them as he/they did to me.

And I hope she is huge and carries a huge pipe wrench too.

Postscript: I am feeling things-I am allowed too!!! It's about fucking time too!!!

File this under resentments.
Emotion: scared and angry


-Adree Does Eat

Anhedonia

I don't enjoy sleeping, I don't enjoy being awake. I'm just existing.
-Adree Does Eat

Captain Random: Ideas To Become A Whole Person List

Make a chalk board to write my fears on daily. Erase them the next day.

Burn resentments and regrets each week.

Meditate each night with my higher power. Teach myself to become less selfish in my thoughts.

Truly communicate with friends and loved ones.

Become less aggressive to talk in groups and meetings. You have a lot to get off your chest-but, tone it down.

Make something from the soul each week and give it away.

Make sure loved ones know they are loved. Accept the live given back.

Begin to see the worlds beauty again and delight in all it has to share.

Practice acceptance in general.

Accept that not everyone will like you. You are not as awesome to everyone as you think-be humble.

Learn the difference between humility and acceptance.

Forgive yourself.

Forgive others. (again burn your resentments).

Allow yourself to cry. Force it if needed.

Keep up on housework-organized space, organized life.

Let go, hold tight and learn the proper times to do both.

Be creative.

Appreciate what you have and give whenever you can.

Take your medications.

Avoid triggers.

Go to meetings.

Get a sponsor, and call them!

Keep making these lists.




-Adree Does Eat

The Courtship

At first it was stolen glances. Our eyes would meet, I would hold my gaze unable to look away-I would not show weakness.

It was the nineties. Other things with prettier colors and more defined features held my attention-though even through my stereotypes of girls like her,I still stole kisses behind sheds, on the dead tracks, in abandoned buildings and hidden deep in the woods. She would show up every now and again and I'd let her hang out. Who was I to judge? In a way I was no better.

The millennium came quickly! Here I was in the parking lot of a closed Denny's the violet smoke circling my brain, snowflakes as big as my fist plummeting down. No where to go, nothing else to do. We were hanging out in the back of a celebrity I remember your lips tasted like sweet lemons.

After that we did not run into each other until the night SHE died...

You were good to me that night. You punched me in the face, numbed the shock and finally sung me a somber lulling tale until I passed out dreamless.

We became fuck buddies for a while. We met at clubs, you loved eighties music, gritty industrial, sweet melodic goth and dark wave, you even liked my hip-hop and gangster rap. Dance we did. Often and serious. I rarely bright you home but, often I fell asleep tasting you on my lips.

I don't know when you started sleeping over. It seems one day I woke up and you were just there. You sorta moved in without me looking and you just never left.

It would seem you were more obsessed with me than I with you. You showed up with my friends, dated my boyfriend and my brother. You were just there.

Lately it occurred to me that we are toxic to each other. I do foolish things when I'm with you. Things that you always tell me to blame on you. Your reputation can handle it you say. I can't just hide in your shame anymore. It's not fair to you and it defiantly is not fair to me or my family. I just can't do it. I hate the midnight sneaking and all of the deception I have caused because of you. No more. Please leave kindly and take your baggage with you.

I wish you the best. I will never judge you or look down on you. I accept you as you accepted me. I will think of you often and cherish the good memories as I loathe the bad. It is what it is. We are what we are.

We are no more.

Cheers,

Prost,

Good-bye.


-Adree Does Eat

3am

"...because the night is the hardest time of day...and 3am knows all my secrets..."

-Lascivious Violet

I can't sleep again. Surprisingly, the carnival is being quiet. That is a huge surprise. I am able to stay on one track.

Tomorrow is quickly coming. I know I will be just fine taking care of my little girl. I will be tired, but, fine. I used to do it buzzed so, tired will be a piece of cake. She may even lie with me for a bit. She is such an amazing child. I feel so blessed just to be her mommy.

I am so glad I can even think that way. It truly is a sign of my growth. I look back at two months ago and I'm shocked and appalled that my addicted brain would even think it was okay to drink all day with her...

These are my crosses to bare. They are heavy, but, a part of the moral inventory I need to take of myself and my actions.

I was an ugly person. I did appalling things. I spoke with acid on my tongue....

I was not nice....


-Adree Does Eat

Tachycardia Day -16

Another word is terror. Like drop dead any minute terror.

My heart missed beats; stopped every now and again and sped up without warning.

I awoke bathed in sweat. Adrenaline pumping; I sought out the edge of the bed, my arms feeling like dead weight, my legs shaking so hard my ankles refused to work.

My head feels like there are earwigs gnawing behind my left eye and I am seeing the shadow people running amuck in the corners of the room.

I think Death has come for me. That cruel mistress had to awaken me rather than stealing her last kiss while i am still dreaming like a proper lady.

I meander slowly down the six steps to my kitchen. Frantically I search for my daughters vitamins and pop a beer. I read somewhere that thiamin and potassium can help an ailing heart. I'm out of aspirin so I'm thinking beer=blood thinner. I look up heart attack on my oh-so-smart phone and pop my second beer.

My ring and pinky fingers are numb while I search frantically for the reasons I am surely going to die.

After some five count deep breathing, I begin to feel better.

My legs stop shaking. The crushing chest pains stop, I can breathe, my panic is subsiding...I open another beer. Relaxed, I return to bed, worried, but, okay.

This was the first night I felt something was horribly wrong.




-Adree Does Eat

Diagnosis B

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)
Definition:
Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) - Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a psychological injury that results from prolonged exposure to social or interpersonal trauma, disempowerment, captivity or entrapment, with lack or loss of a viable escape route for the victim.
C-PTSD Introduction
C-PTSD What It Feels Like
Differences between C-PTSD & PTSD
C-PTSD Characteristics
C-PTSD Causes
C-PTSD Treatment
C-PTSD Support Groups
C-PTSD Introduction
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of:
domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse
childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse
entrapment or kidnapping.
slavery or enforced labor.
long term imprisonment and torture
repeated violations of personal boundaries.
long-term objectification.
exposure to gaslighting & false accusations
long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull, splitting or alternating raging & hoovering behaviors.
long-term taking care of mentally ill or chronically sick family members.
long term exposure to crisis conditions.
When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. This is because they know how bad things can possibly be. And they know that it could possibly happen again. And they know that if it ever does happen again, it might be worse than before.
The degree of C-PTSD trauma cannot be defined purely in terms of the trauma that a person has experienced. It is important to understand that each person is different and has a different tolerance level to trauma. Therefore, what one person may be able to shake off, another person may not. Therefore more or less exposure to trauma does not necessarily make the C-PTSD any more or less severe.
C-PTSD sufferers may "stuff" or suppress their emotional reaction to traumatic events without resolution either because they believe each event by itself doesn't seem like such a big deal or because they see no satisfactory resolution opportunity available to them. This suppression of "emotional baggage" can continue for a long time either until a "last straw" event occurs, or a safer emotional environment emerges and the damn begins to break.
The "Complex" in Complex Post Traumatic Disorder describes how one layer after another of trauma can interact with one another. Sometimes, it is mistakenly assumed that the most recent traumatic event in a person's life is the one that brought them to their knees. However, just addressing that single most-recent event may possibly be an invalidating experience for the C-PTSD sufferer. Therefore, it is important to recognize that those who suffer from C-PTSD may be experiencing feelings from all their traumatic exposure, even as they try to address the most recent traumatic event.
This is what differentiates C-PTSD from the classic PTSD diagnosis - which typically describes an emotional response to a single or to a discrete number of traumatic events.
Difference between C-PTSD & PTSD
Although similar, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) differs slightly from the more commonly understood & diagnosed condition Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in causes and symptoms.
C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress from which there is little chance of escape. PTSD can result from single events, or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma.
Therefore a soldier returning from intense battle may be likely to show PTSD symptoms, but a kidnapped prisoner of war who was held for several years may show additional symptoms of C-PTSD.
Similarly, a child who witnesses a friend's death in an accident may exhibit some symptoms of PTSD but a child who grows up in an abusive home may exhibit the additional C-PTSD characteristics shown below:
C-PTSD - What it Feels Like:
People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel un-centered and shaky, as if they are likely to have an embarrassing emotional breakdown or burst into tears at any moment. They may feel unloved - or that nothing they can accomplish is ever going to be "good enough" for others.
People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel compelled to get away from others and be by themselves, so that no-one will witness what may come next. They may feel afraid to form close friendships to prevent possible loss should another catastrophe strike.
People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel that everything is just about to go "out the window" and that they will not be able to handle even the simplest task. They may be too distracted by what is going on at home to focus on being successful at school or in the workplace.
C-PTSD Characteristics
How it can manifest in the victim(s) over time:
Rage turned inward: Eating disorders. Depression. Substance Abuse / Alcoholism. Truancy. Dropping out. Promiscuity. Co-dependence. Doormat syndrome (choosing poor partners, trying to please someone who can never be pleased, trying to resolve the primal relationship)
Rage turned outward: Theft. Destruction of property. Violence. Becoming a control freak.
Other: Learned hyper vigilance. Clouded perception or blinders about others (especially romantic partners) Seeks positions of power and / or control: choosing occupations or recreational outlets which may put oneself in physical danger. Or choosing to become a "fixer" - Therapist, Mediator, etc.
Avoidance - Avoidance is the practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.
Blaming - Blaming is the practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.
Catastrophizing - Catastrophizing is the habit of automatically assuming a "worst case scenario" and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.
"Control-Me" Syndrome - "Control-Me" Syndrome describes a tendency that some abuse victims and some people who suffer from personality disorders have to nurture relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or "acting-out" nature.
Denial (PD) - Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen.
Dependency - Dependency is an inappropriate and chronic reliance by one adult individual on another for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well- being.
Depression (Non-PD) -Depression is when you feel sadder than your circumstances dictate, for longer than your circumstances last - but still can't seem to break out of it.
Escape To Fantasy - Escape to Fantasy is sometimes practiced by people who routinely shun transparency with others and present a facade to friends, partners and family members. Their true identity and feelings are commonly expressed privately in an alternate fantasy world.
Fear of Abandonment - Fear of abandonment and irrational jealousy is a phobia, sometimes exhibited by people with personality disorders, that they are in imminent danger of being rejected, discarded or replaced at the whim of a person who is close to them.
Hyper Vigilance - Hyper Vigilance is the practice of maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts and interests of others.
Identity Disturbance - Identity disturbance is a psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view.
Learned Helplessness- Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe they have no control over a situation, even when they actually do have the power to change their circumstances, leading them into an unneccessary state of depression, where initiative, action or investment is deemed futile.
Low Self-Esteem - Low Self-Esteem is a common name for a negatively-distorted self-view which is inconsistent with reality. People who have low self-esteem often see themselves as unworthy of being successful in personal and professional settings and in social relationships. They may view their successes and their strenghts in a negative light and believe that others see them in the same way. As a result, they may develop an avoidance strategy to protect themselves from criticism.
Panic Attacks - Panic Attacks are short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms.
Perfectionism - Perfectionism is the practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unsustainable or unattainable standard of organization, order or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in others.
Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia is the use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.
Self-Loathing - Self Loathing is an extreme self-hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.
Tunnel Vision - Tunnel Vision is the habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.
C-PTSD Causes
C-PTSD is caused by a prolonged or sustained exposure to emotional trauma or abuse from which no short-term means of escape is available or apparent to the victim.
The precise neurological damage that exists in C-PTSD victims is not well understood.
C-PTSD Treatment
Little has been done in clinical studies of treatment of C-PTSD. However, in general the following is recommended:
Removal of and protection from the source of the trauma and/or abuse.
Acknowledgement of the trauma as real, important and undeserved.
Acknowledge that the trauma came from something that was stronger than the victim and therefore could not be avoided.
Acknowledgement of the "complex" nature of C-PTSD - that responses to earlier traumas may have led to decisions that brought on additional, undeserved trauma.
Acknowledgement that recovery from the trauma is not trivial and will require significant time and effort.
Separation of residual problems into those that the victim can resolve (such as personal improvement goals) and those that the victim cannot resolve (such as the behavior of a disordered family member)
Mourning for what has been lost and cannot be recovered.
Identification of what has been lost and can be recovered.
Program of recovery with focus on what can be improved in an individuals life that is under their own control.
Placement in a supportive environment where the victim can discover they are not alone and can receive validation for their successes and support through their struggles.
As necessary, personal therapy to promote self discovery.
As required, prescription of antidepressant medications.
What to do about C-PTSD if you've got it:
Remove yourself from the primary or situation or secondary situations stemming from the primary abuse. Seek therapy. Talk about it. Write about it. Meditation. Medication if needed. Physical Exercise. Rewrite the script of your life.
What not to do about it:
Stay. Hold it in. Bottle it up. Act out. Isolate. Self-abuse. Perpetuate the cycle.
What to do about it if you know somebody else who has C-PTSD:
Offer sympathy, support, a shoulder to cry on, lend an ear. Speak from experience. Assist with practical resolution when appropriate (guidance towards escape, therapy, etc.) Be patient.
What not to do about it if you know somebody else who has it:
Do not push your own agenda: proselytize, moralize, speak in absolutes, tell them to "get over it", or try to force reconciliation with the perpetrator or offer "sure fire" cures.
C-PTSD Support Groups & Links:
Out of the FOG Support Forum - Support Forum here at Out of the FOG.
For More Information & Support...
If you suspect you may have a family member or partner who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.
Support Forum - Read real stories. Ask questions.
Top 100 Traits of people with Personality Disorders.
Toolbox - Ideas for coping and common mistakes.
Personality Disorder Glossary - Learn the lingo.
Links to Personality Disorder-related sites.
Books about personality disorders.
Submit feedback on this page here.
-Adree Does Eat

Diagnosis A

Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent- Severe With Psychotic Features, Symptoms and DSM-IV Diagnosis
Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent - Severe With Psychotic Features, Symptoms and Diagnosis Overview:
Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Severe With Psychotic Features, symptoms and diagnostic criteria follow below. While some of these Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent- Severe With Psychotic Features, , symptoms may be recognized by family, teachers, legal and medical professionals, and others, only properly trained mental health professionals (psychologists, psychiatrists, professional counselors etc.) can or should even attempt to make a mental health diagnosis. Many additional factors are considered in addition to the Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent - Severe With Psychotic Features, symptoms in making proper diagnosis, including frequently medical evaluation and psychological testing and consideration. The information below related to Major Depressive Disorder: Recurrent - Severe With Psychotic Features, symptoms and diagnostic criteria are for information purposes only and should never replace the judgment and comprehensive assessment by a trained mental health clinician.
Diagnostic criteria for 296.34 Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent: Severe With Psychotic Features
A. Presence of two or more Major Depressive Episodes.
Note: To be considered separate episodes, there must be an interval of at least 2 consecutive months in which criteria are not met for a Major Depressive Episode.
B. The Major Depressive Episodes are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
C There has never been a Manic Episode, a Mixed Episode, or a Hypomanic Episode. Note: This exclusion does not apply if all of the manic-like, mixed-like, or hypomanic-like episodes are substance or treatment induced or are due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.
Specify (for current or most recent episode):
Severity/Psychotic/Remission Specifiers
Chronic
With Catatonic Features
With Melancholic Features
With Atypical Features
With Postpartum Onset
Specify:
Longitudinal Course Specifiers (With and without Interepisode Recovery) With Seasonal Pattern
Criteria for Severity/Psychotic/Remission Specifiers for Current (or most recent ) Mixed Episode
Major Depressive Episode
A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.
Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.
(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)
(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.
(4) Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
(5) Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
(6) Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
(7) Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
(8) Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
(9) Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.
C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).
E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.
Additional Major Depressive Disorder Diagnosis
Information adapted from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-IV
Web www.Psychtreatment.Com
-Adree Does Eat

Addictionary

A:ddictionary-terms I learned in rehab

Cop-to score drug of choice

Celly-cell mate (see also roommate)

Hit-to get needle in a vein

Getting sick-dope sick

The shakes-early stage of delirium tremors or DT's (if you feel like this after drinking your on your way from lush to alcoholic)

The brick-pressure behind your eyes or slang for a shitload of heroin.

Bags-a small measure of heroin

Bones-a description of where one is during methadone withdrawal

Using dreams-self explanatory

Laudanum-an inspired antiquated name for heroin

Seize-very common, but realistic fear while in the midst of withdrawal

Trays-jailhouse slang for meals

Ride or Die-devoted significant other

SO: significant other

Annals: wrinkles in the brain

-Adree Does Eat

The nice "F" words...

Family, friends, food, forgiveness, finding....

....myself again.

Mentally I'm in a better place in general than I have been in a few years, otherwise I could not have made the choices and decisions I have in the last few weeks.

Physically however, is difficult to explain. I have aches and pains, I tremble anytime my blood sugar goes low or I get too nervous. My heart skips beats after I eat-or it feels that way in sighting a panic attack. It could be the effects of a hard core case of G.E.R.D. I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years...really!!! Come on Lou Reed, Velvet Underground, get off my brain and take your brain worms with you!!!!

Anyhow, my mind feels okay.
Downstairs? Not so much.
I know I'm haunted by things that cannot be understood unless you were there. I'd never wish that on anyone.

You ever have those friends that know what to ask when? Or invite your family for dinner, just because? I know I didn't for a long time...and when I did it flew under the radar...

I guess I was too self absorbed.
In times of happiness and times of crisis...real friends come through. It always is surprising just who those people are.
Sometimes shocking who isn't.
We all know what friendship is.
But, this post isn't about that....
This post is a thank you and an apology, I love you. I do realize I have harmed many as well as I have been harmed. Being my rough life was just that-rough. I know I have often acted out in harsh and inappropriate ways to the people that deserved it the least.

I apologize to you all. I thank you for sticking with me.

I know I have a huge heart full of acceptance and love. I do feel love as deeply as I feel anger and pain. I know that sometimes I confuse the two. I don't know why I do this but I will soon learn, I'm sure.

What is "Duel Diagnosis"? It means essentially that you are batshit, banana pancakes insane and you seek anything possible to stop your inner voices and turmoil. Even if it's self harming or harms others. This means drinking, doing drugs (social or medicinal), anything to calm or stimulate yourself. Abandonment of people, places, things-most of all your brain. Your own mind can be a trap. Fight or flight sets in and you run. Escape. It's all about running...And ran I have, many times over. I just leave, one way or another.

I'm not running anymore.

My diagnosis is:
Axis I:
-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
-Generalized Anxiety Disorder complicated by Panic Disorder.
-Severe Depression/recurrent with psychotic features.
My Axis II is:
-Borderline Personality Disorder
-G.E.R.D (couldn't spell that)

It is time to fix this.

I sit with friends, having a great time playing games after dinner and my stomach attacks...so embarrassing, in sighting panic...
Another beer and I'm okay-that's just fucked up. I just want to feel okay-forever.

Thanks to all of you. I look forward to dinner parties and hugs in the future.

You are wonderful and the love, I feel, is from the bottom of my soul. So are my apologies.

We will get there.

Time to collect on some good Karma. I deserve it.

Cheers-

See you in a month-ish!!!!

-Adree Does Eat

Finger on the Trigger

So,
Here are some subjects that may both impress and enrage people.
First...
Deep breath...for all of you that suffer weight and body image issues, I understand and sympathize. I too have similar issues. I weigh 110lbs in soaking wet clothes.
I eat. I love to cook. I'm not a junky and I'm not anorexic.
Why is it okay to ask me about it? Why is it okay to grab my wrists and compare them to your child's? Why is it okay to approach me about it at all?
I would never dream of doing that to someone. I was raised better than that.
I look in the mirror and hate it. I feel like all of my clothes fit like rags hanging from a broom. I cry too.
It gives me a complex adding too my already disturbed mind. I have felt like this all my life.
How dare you?
Second:
Mental illness...I'll return to this later....I need to process and make breakfast-because I do eat...
-Adree Does Eat

Captain Random 1:

Wow, just, wow.

What an interesting few days.

It's election season. This year I made my choice early and backed away. I figured if something cool happened, some one would surely tell me, right?

No,
It's election season and I'm a computer nerd. I love social media. And social media is full of my friends.

My friends love politics-in all it's forms.

Like it or not I am absorbed.

I get mad, sad, happy, glad...all in five minutes. It's cool. Like, directed rapid cycling. I love it.

This year (season), I'm going through the emotions! Up and down. This rape talk has to stop, as does the abortion and birth control issues. Stop being idiots and focus.


Get down to the money. That's what your really all about.

-just my opinion. I believe what I read... It's a fault, I know. I'm good at pointing out mine, your turn.


-Adree Does Eat

Threads

Hi,

It's my morning before my morning. I'm probably going to do a lot of writing today because Friday they will be prying my iPhone from my quivering fingers.

Friday, I reset, start over and hopefully become human.
I'm a prisoner you see. Not the "slit my husbands throat and chucked him into the lake" kind...
Nor am I the "moved around a few zeros and got a better tax return" kind...

But, the kind that someone builds with invisible spiderweb strong gossamer threads of their own spinning.

And spun I have.

I started weaving at about age six. My dad and I were out shopping for a new jacket. It was the first time he let me pick something out. I chose a mid-thigh pink corduroy coat with grey piping and snaps-I love snaps. I loved that coat. I think it was my intro to fashion. I wish I could have passed that coat to Rowan, but, I think my sister puked on it. Corduroy and puke are not a good combo.

We return to the car, my dad tells me I can sit up front. Only he doesn't start the engine. Keys gripped, my dads hands fall to his lap and he looks at me. "Adri, do you know how babies are made?"

Confused I say "I think so". I had no idea, but, since everyone always said I was so smart, I couldn't let something like this destroy my image. I faked it.

My dad points to his junk and says "well, a man takes this and puts it in that" pointing at my junk. "some fluids are exchanged and 9 months later a baby comes out.

"...because of this fact Adri, I am not your father. I'm sorry. Your mother and I would like me to be, but, you have to want me to be. Do you want me to be your father?"

My thought processor was over heating. I understood-I am smart, remember? I was suddenly so hurt, happy, sad, mad....I felt too much all at once. My dad was still talking about adoption and parties...All I was picturing was my dad peeing inside of my mom.

I looked over and whispered "yes".

And the threads began to weave....

It was the first time I buried my emotions. I had to stay strong for my dad. I didn't want him to see that I was upset. A single tear fell.
Now my prison is a tight cocoon.

This weekend I will begin my metamorphosis.

Who will I be?

What will I become. Only time can say.

I always did want wings.

-Adree Does Eat

This is a typical conversation

Almost bed time. Good. I love going to bed. I am a superhero in bed-multitasking? Done. Facebook? Done. Resumes are in, book in hand-it's bedtime....

Or so I think.

While looking at page 147 for god and Kurt only knows how long, I get transfixed by the conversation in my brain...

"So, you like unicorns and are just cool with honey?"

"how can you compare the two?"

"they are both sweet"

"wait...what???"

"new topic"

"you need to put dinner away"

"I kinda gotta pee"

"let's go pee!"

"easy killers, I'm comfy-your right though lets go now"

"it's raining"

"well isn't that nice"

"nice and wet, I'm not going out there".

"we are peeing inside, relax"!

"wait food".

"what food,relax, we want our steak cold and have other needs to attend too".

"right on, cool beans"

"I'm hungry, it's gonna be good tomorrow, let's get it in the morning cold"

"k-so, pee, put food away and then check Facebook, read, sleep".

"cool, let's do this"...

Later....

"everything is white, are we injured? Unconscious??"

"it's okay, it's just fog-fog in the house...wait, that's weird, whose house is this?"

I look around, I'm in a dusty kitchen. The food looks fresh, everything else is spoiled-it smells like dust and orange oil in here.

Through a small doorway is a dining room. The green carpet is threadbare and resembles what you might expect from a seedy motel, kinda like a wanna be oriental style. It smooshes under my feet. Everything feels damp. I walk over to a small desk against the far wall next to the roaring fire (where did that come from?) and start looking through things.
Ancient bills and adds from the 50's right on top. Interesting....

Ahh dreams. I cannot even sleep when I'm asleep....

It's a punk life.

-Adree Does Eat

Dinner for Breakfast and Other Annomilies

It's always a debate in my house. "you let her have a lunchable (grilled cheese, ham, soup etc.) for breakfast?

Yes, yes I did. I don't often want that much sugar in the morning. It makes me nauseous. I think with my blood sugar issues (hypoglycemic) that ingesting too much sugar often leads to a crash and ookieness by afternoon. Protein and a small amount of sugar is okay.

We often go to lunch and have omlettes in the morning, or many people make pancakes for dinner. So what's the harm? I eat what I crave when I'm craving it. My doctor told me that's the way to do it, because your body needs whatever is in what your craving.

So, bring it on. Eat what you want when you want. It all goes to the same place anyway.
- Adree Does Eat

Squash Nosh

We went to the strip last week. While there and lured into Pittsburgh Macaroni Company, by their beautiful cheeses, I got side tracked.
In the back, by the deli, is a small cold case. Within the chili depths are some of the best local made ravioli's I have ever worked with. That day I chose the butternut squash ravioli. I had them once on Christmas when I prepared them with prosciutto, little neck clams and pistachios in a sage brown butter. It was a rock star moment.

Tonight I try to come close to that magic. Though, to be fair, I have deduced in my pregnant cravings, nothing quite pairs like squash and shellfish. I invented many a dish with the combination of the two and yeah, it's kinda like a tongue orgasm.
Tonight I started by marinating chicken in olive oil, white balsamic , rough chopped garlic, dried, thyme, sweet basil, oregano, rosemary, and salt and pepper. I did so for an hour or so.
I put the pasta water on, salted and slightly oiled. And placed the bacon in the oven.
Then I began our mushrooms. I did them properly, in butter,
an uncrowded pan. Small batches at a time. That's the secret.


Sorry guys I lost the rest of the photos from this when apple broke my phone. It was super yummy though.

Adree Interrupted

Sometimes, most of the time....my plans get put on hold. Logic is usually to blame. Silly logic and stupid timing.

Then again, maybe it's fate. I'm a realist with a touch of fatalistic. I believe in karma, retaliation and redemption.

I guess I'll work on stuff, I have a ton of unfinished projects to do. Time to start. Oh wait, phone calls. I hate the phone.

It sucks.

However I love-

Social media...

It feels like passing notes in high school. All "oh my god!" n' shit..
I am often nervous, excited, and bored while scrolling through my feed. So much like school in fact that, I'm obsessed.

Smart phones are crazy cool. Anywhere I am at anytime, I can look up recipes, pass notes to my friends, find out a new kitchen technique and buy some boots....über cool.

I fear for my child's future. If passing notes is this easy now, when she gets to high school...
It will be some freaky thing that I don't get and she won't stop talking about.

The world is changing. I'm changing.

And I will miss my facebook for a whole month. I will have to read books. Pass notes with paper.
Draw until I cannot hold a pencil. That kinda stuff.

Crazy.

The world is crazy, and getting crazier by the moment. I hope we make it out alive.

- Adree Does Eat

Prose I suppose...

It has to be.
Just remember who I am.
I rebel.
I justify.
I'm private.
I hate hypocrites.
I am kind.
I am sweet.
I'm a hard worker.
I'm a problem solver.
I give up easy.
I don't like criticism.
That's why I don't work in the art world.
I love deeply.
I hate passionately.
Sometimes those are the same thing.
I'm a genius.
I'm also insane.
I am apathetic.
I am empathic.
I am a touch psychic.
I am sensitive.
I am hurt easy.
I am a survivor.
I hate god.
I love spirit.
I'm messy and OCD about everything except messes and germs.
I know who I am. I accept me. In order to be a part of my life, you have to too.


- Adree Does Eat

Kitchen Korma Two.

Gotta get my blog fix. It will be a month. A whole scary month. Whoa. No blogs, no social media...no outside world. Ahhh.

So I decided to add some more info on home cooked Indian food.

Let me know, chicken tikka Marsala, Vindeloo or both....???


- Adree Does Eat

Happy notes:

Hmm what to eat for dinner? I have 3 chops. Bok choy, mung bean noodles and carrots. I'm feeling a great stir fry.

Ahh but I go into the hospital for a month tomorrow night. Yay hospital food :(

This last week we have made or ate Asian three times. Is my husband sick of it? Am I? I kinda want stove top and gravy. Or goat cheese stuffed chops...jeebus, what do I do? What do I eat? Rawr! Bah! I have to make phone calls. I hate the phone.

In the end after playing with my angel...happily and a bit sad...I decided mom food, my mom's food specifically, is best. Pork chops, stove top, gravy, and peas. I'll miss this. I'll miss life and everything it has to offer...





I will miss her. I am gonna be lonely as hell and need snuggles at three a.m.

It's worth it though just to know I will be here for her for a long, long time.

Heres to mom food. And being a mom. The scariest most wonderful thing I have ever done.




Forever sweet girl. You drive me.

And you totally need to try mom food ;)

I love you Rowan and mom.

- Adree Does Eat

Food Anxiety

Omg! I'm not perfect! Jeebus, why didn't anyone tell me? Oh wait, they did/do all the time. Fuck it I embrace it. Who want to be perfect. Not I.

Being perfect has its own chapter in the DSM, I'm pretty uncomfortable with that. I am okay having problems. That is life.

I have a new problem. One hopefully can be resolved in the hospital/resort of my choice. One that used to be countered by smoking a joint and waiting for all of the spectacular munchies to commence.

I love to cook but, I can't eat much. Anxiety is a bitch. And I have always had it. I hate it.
Most recently I had to starve myself to feed others. I know-right! I lost a lot-more than I'm willing to share at this point, but it's all bad.

I grew up poor. I have been through this. Tackled it, but it came back.

Food is my favorite thing in this world. Rowan is my favorite person. This problem assures I will leave her too soon.
I get chest pains. Both hands sometimes go numb. I have panic attacks that feel like heart attacks with a blood pressure of 220/110. Not good. I worry about death 100 times and hour. I am not going out like that.

So, now is the time. For once and for the sake of all. This is gonna go.

I'll never go without again. This sickness sucks.

I'm done. There is too much duck liver and tacos to be enjoyed. And cheese! Fuck you stress induced eating disorder. Die.

I'm hungry. And I never will be again.

- Adree Does Eat

Gotta get Out!!! Here comes the word vomit.

My mind races. Kinda like the carnival. Anytime I lay down, Anytime I shower, watch tv, go pee, fuck...the music starts the conversations flow and the party picks up. Sometimes it just needs to you know "shut the fuck up".

" I don't want to hear a remix of the cure, tupac, johnny cash and lady gaga"; brain thank you very much.

"I don't know where my purple shirt or my springform pan is."

" No we cannot buy shoes today."

"Rowan's not OCD she is just a kid."

"The baby we lost wasn't meant to be."

"god hates me and Jesus was just a cool dude. Energy rings. I haven't killed or punched anyone in a while. I don't think I can. I believe in energy and mindfullness. Pixies and fairies. I've met a few. Whatever happened to that girl..."

"when was the last time you went to the doctors. Your tooth is broken call the dentist"

"my hair would look cute blonde, but it was a bitch to get my natural color back"

"you lack the focus to make homemade pasta"

"soup fixes everything, so does the safety dance"

"there are no bears outside that will rape and gouge your vagina"

"shut up"

"tacos...beer..."

"I don't like this lamp, too bright. The suns a bitch, I hate yellow"

"and he's commin' after me with a butterfly net"

"Beck-god?..."

This is life with anxiety, all of these thoughts ALL AT ONCE! Gotta get this fixed. And I am. So brain, people, everyone Shut The Fuck Up!
Thank you kindly.

- Adree Does Eat

The Journey

It's no secret if you actually know me, that I am emotionally unstable, I am very angry, I self medicate with most things that can calm a mind that races so fast that I can't keep up.

I don't have issues, I have a multi-media catalogue and a news stand.

The last few months of my life were the worst I have had in years. I back slid. I'm not proud. I'm just angry that I let it all happen.

Why tell you all this? Because. This is my Blog. My spot. I eat like a bird. I can't sleep. Cooking is my zen. The only thing I do that calms my mind. Though I try everything else. This is my place to write about my life, all of it. I feel no guilt or shame, other than that it's come to this to undo all that has been done.

I'm proud to make the decision on my own and to not have to do it alone.

Time to make better choices.

Time to cut bad people and things outta my life.

Time to change.

Tomorrow I begin a journey. One I'm both excited about and terrified of. Hopefully one that will teach me how to live with my past, my present, my future.

I hope for spiritual mindfullness. To heal these old wounds. To live unmedicated. I want to be happy and healthy. To be able to relax. To calm my anxiety without ingesting anything, to be normal.

Yeah, I'm scared. I'm bloody terrified. I will keep a journal of my process; and update here once I'm free again.

Can it be done? I truly want to try. I hope these teams of doctors and therapists know what they are in for. No one rages like me-and I have a lot to be angry about...
But I have the best thing to be happy about:

For you Rowan Audrey Margolis. I love you and would do anything for you.

Secrets...

When I don't want to cook I'm either tired or ill. Or just hungover, I become basically selfish.

Never should this reflect your taste in food. Except, we all get the munchies and sometimes it's fine to, you know, just cheat...

Rowan went to an amusement park today. She went with my questionable in laws (they hate me because their son is perfect and I'm the whore of Babylon-update they are coming around-and I love them).

Needless to say, she had a blast.

You would think that this is prime time to make complicated dishes that involve rolling pins, long cooking processes, wine (because the best dishes are made while drinking and cooking with wine) and sweat.

Bah, but it's sleepover night-or it was until she got too tired.

My house is kinda clean and I just wanna drink a beer and nap. No judgement here, I'm tired of the pedestal thing. I'm not perfect and I'm not June Cleaver. I am just a haunted person whom likes to relax. Beginning Monday it will all change. Bring it. I welcome it. Until then cheers and goodnight.

Fast food or takeout for sure.

Chinese it is. Suck it.

- Adree Does Eat

Old School

I mean, like kid food.
I have a kid. She is a smart, whiny, cute little girl with a heart as big as Texas.

Being a kid she only seems to eat "kid food". I cannot get her to eat a cucumber to save my life. Nor, a cheeseburger or piece of fish.

When she looks at me with giant blue eyes and says "mommy, I really need fried chicken". I indulge her just because it doesn't come in a can and it's not a pizza lunchable. Yay!

Today was just one of those days. Fried chicken and gravy rice (which she also won't touch).
Five bucks later and "dinner"! Now if she would just sleep....
- Adree Does Eat

The Strip and Lunch

Kitchen Korma

Ahh India...land of beautiful lashes, amazing smells, beautiful colors, Saris, Ganesha, Kali, sacred cows and the amazing, exotic food...I have always wanted to go...for now I settle for the food. I want to eat that country.

Different regions have different styles. The more north you go the more spicy and more meat. The more south, the milder and more vegetarian. I'll teach you how to cook them all, at home, for cheap :)

Spices! India has a long history of the best and most diverse spices in the world. The markets are rich with the exotic. Often cheap and easy to haggle.
For a beginner, I recommend starting with blends until you become comfortable. Sweet Curry Powder, Hot Curry Powder, Gahram Marsala, Rojan Josh, Vindeloo, and Ground Ginger are good starter spices. Later cardamom pods, corriander, star anise and cassia cinnamon are great additions.

Yoghurt is important, as is cream and coconut milk. Depending on the dish you are making. They make sauces rich and creamy. They add tart and sweet elements important depending on what you are making.

Let's begin with a simple chicken curry. I start by taking a cup or so of yoghurt, some curry powder, I like hot but you can use sweet or both. Mix these together. Place 1lb of chicken cut to bite size pieces. Stir, cover and place in the fridge.

Next, start prepping the other stuff. I personally like potatoes and tomatoes and a whole sweet onion in my curry; but you can add peas, eggplant, squash, zucchini anything you like. Cut veggies to approximately the same size. Place in mixing bowl.

Begin the cooking process by taking a few table spoons of unsalted butter and melt it in a Dutch oven. If you don't have a Dutch oven and large pot will do, the heavier the better. I like to go from stove to oven, but, if your pot cannot do this you can do it all on the stove.

When the butter is melted, add a couple more teaspoons of curry powder and one teaspoon ground ginger and a pinch of salt to the butter. Heat for a few minutes over medium heat to release the oils in the spices. This is important. Add about a tablespoon of oil. I use olive, but any high heat oil will do, raise the heat a little to med/high and add your onion. Let that sweat for a few.

Start adding your chicken a few pieces at a time. Letting it brown up a little. Add your veggies and enough stock or water to just become even with your other ingredients. Cover reduce heat to low. Or place into a 225 degree oven.

Cook low and slow until the potatoes are nice and tender, takes approx. 2 hours but, check now and again. The slow process makes all of the flavors mingle and the chicken and potatoes, beautifully tender. At the very end stir in more yoghurt until nice and creamy. Add kosher salt and pepper to taste.

Serve with Raita and Naan; Or chutneys of your choice.
- Adree Does Eat

Mine

Blog links:
http://adreedoeseat.blogspot.com/?m=1

http://adreedoeseat.blogspot.com/2012/07/spoon.html?m=1


- Adree Does Eat

Shifting Gears

It's before my nap. Yes, I nap when I can now. Your warranty runs out eventually and four years of parenting makes you tired and sore.

The food business is tough on your body. Everyone has to eat, someone must feed them; even if that someone is yourself. I love the thrill of making an experience memorable-anyone that knows me knows that. I love doing extra steps and treating people as I like to be treated. So what is wrong with that? Why does food service have a bad rap...?

I hate dishes and housework. Perhaps it lies in childhood when I punished into doing all of it for my family of six...ida know?. I hate cleaning-at home. Somehow, put into that perspective I can see why.

If you have ever broken down a salad station, you will know the dirty side of the food industry. At the same time, if...
It all begun while walking down the street eating an apple..i knew that if. I am going out, paying for dinner, tipping well...

There are things I expect to find....
And why not? Everyone should.
Is the servers nails kept reasonable? Are her clothes clean? Does she keep her hair from eating her face. I just look to see I never judge.

On top of that, I used to be the most shy, meek, sweet person you could know. A series of bad relationships and the service industry broke that little girl and created me.

Being outgoing and friendly is so much more empowering. In my oh so goth days, I just didn't care. The apathy kept me in my box. I liked my box, as a triple air sign, the box was confining. I need to float, be real and not fatalistic. I wanna be seduced. Food is the ultimate seduction.

I spent a year "soul searching". I had previously worked in a used bookstore, a job I loved except for my crazy cakes boss. I ran cooking, kids, and whatever random section was thrown at me. I would often be caught reading (in a bookstore?!?) cookbooks like some read romance. Deep in my own world of flans and phillo. I came to the realizations that "this is more than a hobby, this is addiction" and that "I need to do something that pushes my creativity".

Inadvertently, I was learning Spanish and French. Expanding on my knowledge, I would take all of it home, fantasies of reductions and froì gras running though my head.

A year later I found what i had been needing at G.S. G.S. prides itself on being "elegant and casual". I am both of those. I am a goth chick whom is always elegant, even at three in the morning, and I can chill then with ease...perfect.

The feel of my place reminds me of a diner-the decor though is classy and clean. (I have never worked in a cleaner kitchen). The combination is exactly what I'd go for, if I got to open a place.
- Adree Does Eat

Food and science...

It all begun while walking down the street eating an apple....I was obsessing over facebook when quite suddenly, I realized....I'm hooked on Facebook....lol....
It's Silly Sunday. My sweet little one wanted to learn more about science. I fricking love science. So, we packed up and went to the Carnegie Science Center.
Unbeknownst to me food was even a part. There was even a show!

The show was cool. Molecular gastronomy stuff. My tummy has been mad for a few days (stupid GERD) making it hard to maintain and not nauseous. But anything for Rowan.
We walk into a huge room with tiny sparkly diner style stools. Everyone was excited and the feel was loud.

The show involved a lot of ice, salt, custard, and liquid nitro. Can you guess what was made?
Great day! Science Center and Chipolte!!!

Did I mention the Robots?!?!?!














More to come :)
- Adree Does Eat

Human-bot

After a week of gluttony, I'm just tired. Pittsburgh has many sausage purveyors and one of which has house made Italian sausages at a good price. I found some in my freezer and said " hey, sometimes we all just gotta re-fuel." so tonight's dinner will be simple and tasty.
I prepared Rowan a frozen pizza and some shaved ham as per her request. And now I'm gonna pull out my sausages-lol-so they can be ready by the time I'm home. Veggies primavera on the side and im all set. Yum for easy human food.
I couldn't just be normal about it so, I made pasta "little engines" added some seasoning, artichokes, black olives, capers and what have you. I rock.
It was ymmily. Now more asleep before work.

Heading Home

It's bloody hot. The bus has been idling for 35 minutes much the same way airplanes circle a tarmac "taxiing" and all you can dream about is getting off the plane to have a smoke....not that I smoke. I just do. Moments like that make me so angry; i could strip naked and eat the pilots face. Just sayin'.

Home to new job. Home to new life. Home. New beginnings. Prost! Cheers! Ja!


The post was written 2 weeks ago. Crazy maddness.




- Adree Does Eat

Location:Megabus

Spoon

I study menus. I read cookbooks like they are poetry. I rarely use recipes; I just like the inspiration.
So, when picking a place to commend and celebrate our 5 years of wedded bliss I was being given the gift of food. I looked over the menus in several Pittsburgh fine dining establishments and decided finally on Spoon.
The menu intrigued me. I could see the chefs Californian/southwest influences, Korean elements, mixing it with French technique and New York artistic plating. I was fascinated. I love thinking about each dish and trying to figure out how they will look, feel, smell, taste...
The decor was comfortable. The design upscale casual. Beautiful lighting and glass reliefs were everywhere. The glasswork alone developed by a local friend of my husbands, was warm, amber, and inviting. Tones of rich bronzes everywhere accentuated the original tile floors. Tables comfortably placed so you could hear each other over the sound system that was softly playing very 90's friendly music.
The atmosphere was easy. Young yuppies, fashionable middle aged folks with hipster sons, gutter punks, a rockabilly guy at the bar and other more forgettable people made for a nice mix that was almost as interesting as the food.
The feel of the staff is casual and non intimidating. Jeans and crisp shirts and aprons. They were knowledgeable and friendly. A special call out to our busser whom actually smiles a lot.
John decided I should order for him. My dishes are always better he says, so I got to choose all five dishes.

My appetizer arrived after a lovely cocktail featuring blackberries, micro basil and three types of tequila. And a lovely bread basket that included a tender baguette, corn and dill cornbread and cream cheese biscuits. The bread was served with room temperature honey butter with a touch of sea salt. I have to remember to try some dill in my own famous cornbread.
I'm a sucker for duck liver, so I chose the Duck Three Ways. The dish was delightfully comfortable. The confit cake was beautifully crispy. It's flavor and texture reminding me of holidays with my family on which my mom would serve stuffed duck. The duck liver mouse was rich and velvety. Pure succulence. The sous vide breast was a surprise! It was cold! Neat! It's texture beautiful and it's sparse amount made it naughty. It was served with touches of port wine sauce, sweet grilled summer peaches and a line of a simply elegant balsamic reduction. Combined it was a guilty pleasure that will haunt my dreams and dominate my conversations. It's a do again.

A spoon arrives while I am away. A mystery spoon-ooo! Unsure, hoping for a treat, we ignored it. Though I was hoping for chef viddles.
I understood when John's appetizer arrived. I chose the Crispy Pork Belly for him. It arrives as this perfect bowl of Korean influenced beauty. The house made kim chi combining with a succulent broth made this a memorable flavor combination. Shrimp paste added a familiar flair as we often use it in our soups at home. Dashi added crunch and John said the oyster was perfect. The pork belly had great fresh crisp outside and the center was fatty with a wonderful mouth feel. A dish I would like to play around with at home for sure.

Our entrees arrived shortly after. Delivered by the chef himself Mr. Brian Pekarcik-named chef of the year by Pittsburgh Magazine-cool, and has worked all over the country under some very esteemed chefs. I was so transfixed on the food. I failed to notice!
I then felt silly since I have become a chef groupie, going as far as lifting a magazine from my doctors office that featured the 25 best in Pittsburgh. In the end I get starstruck around them and probably would have embarrassed myself with Homer Simpson-like utterances about food being yummy.
I ordered the aged NY Strip and Short Ribs for myself and the Duck Two Ways for John.
My beef was perfectly cooked. The steak was over beautiful summer veggies that made me rethink carrots. It was topped with just enough bleu cheese and micro greens to make it interesting. The short rib was pure comfort. Served atop a mound of duck fat whipped potatoes. All in all it was great, but, I can cook it better at home. It was nice not having to spend four hours cooking it in this summer heat.

Now John's was fantastic. The duck breast was sinister. Crispy and rich, gamey and delightful. The bacon carrots were off the hook and another thing that I will try at home. All of the sauces and the fennel purée had melted into a revelation.
The salad had crispy confit running through it and the almonds added a chewy nuttiness. I can honestly say John's meal was better than mine. Awesome, I planned just that.

Dessert!
I had them make something special for dessert. Doing something nice for someone whom does something nice for you is always a plus.
We had a summery strawberry geleè atop a smooth cream cheese sauce with a pretzel graham topping. It was cool and whimsical. Not too sweet and just right. Like adult jello it was all things summer on a plate.
All in all a great feed. I want to go again, sample more of their refined comfortable food and soak up the feel of the place. Maybe next time I can talk to the chef without being all twitterpated.
I Do Eat. I Do It Well.

I feel like cooking an Asian

...Feast!

I love Asian food. The various cultures distinct smells, spices and attitude about eating makes the whole experience seductive. I love learning about new flavors blending them quietly into my own dishes that implode with vibrancy, fusion and true love for some of our most ancient cultures.

I have been lucky to have known a few people who can help translate the multitude of strange wonderful ingredients at the dimly lit odd smelling Asian markets. I have become braver with trying random things and been lucky-most of the time it has worked.

Tonight's dinner: sesame hoisin tuna with wasabi aioli and soy reduction, steamed asparagus, and steamed crab legs with clarified butter and soy sauce...

The one thing I will always spurge on is food. My dad used to say "we may not have much, but we eat well." if I'm shopping and I notice unusual meats, fish and protein on sale or in season ( or better, both) I stop rethink my budget and decide I can eat poor for a few days just to have this for one night.

This is also why I think poor men, such as those in asian countries, make the best food.

Seeing just such a sale, gulf shrimp, ahi tuna, snow crab-oh my; I had to grab up some and create a cohesive spread of goodness. Having just ate well at Spoon, I had to try to come up with something special.

I have been told by many that my own style of Asian cooking is phenomenal, I wouldn't go that far, but it is tasty. A combination of all things I love. Ethnic and refined.

I purchased the tuna, and began my plotting. I also grabbed some crab legs, because I love ending my meal with savagely ripping something a part.


I was thinking of cooking the crab in a red curry but, upon not finding coconut milk, knixed the idea. Opting to make up my own method instead. I don't have a steamer big enough for giant spider like legs so I turned my oven onto 400 and let it get nice and ready.

After cleaning out barbies and rainwater I filled the bottom of my roaster with water (note to self: next time vermouth) some greek seasoning, garlic and pepper. I prepped the crab.


More details on how I did it soon.





- Adree Does Eat

Home, My Return and Tacos

"Back too life, back too reality..."
I'm home. My home. It's a house, it's a job, it's a career, it's a family...it's a living.
Started my new job as a server/manager/grunt the other day. I have to admit, it's like slipping into a warm bath or coming to the conclusion "yep, I'm falling, any second I must land.
I was taken aback just how easy it would be. I mean, work is work; but, to get to work and be happy, accepted and on your own in a few hours was the best transition I have ever felt.
My trainer Little L, was kind, sweet, very pretty and welcoming. To be welcomed is great. I have been in retail management now for more than 10 years. I have walked into places and felt acid in my smile and cold in my veins. You can tell a few things right off the bat, and no one is in charge of the play.
Your greeted with a weak smile, handed down to a few people whom have less than a clue than you do, finally your given to someone more qualified to teach you, but in the end had worked for the company for so long, that you as a new hire are making more than. Awkward.
This first day was none of those. Just easy, comfy and right.

My day started slow. Good enough time to learn my stations, the POS system, and in general develop a plan.

- Adree Does Eat